Self Designed Victims

The blog written December 12, 2008 received comments from a reader, IamOne/Terrence.
Terrence's comments suggests that love is impossible to restore, he asks:
Can you restore love? Hugh, that is the question. Miss M, can you restore love.? Maybe from your planet. But this planet people minds are to unclear.
He went on to say:
...It takes a while to fall in love but's even harder to fall back into love. It depends on how you fell out of love. People have different reasons why they fall out of love. Some maybe never fell in love. It's just something they wanted for that moment. It depends on how you met and the circumstances
----
There are two points that should be shared here in response to IamOne/Terrence's comments.
In answer to the question: "Miss M, can you restore love?"
Count the number of ripples in the lake after throwing one pebble; did it not spread out despite the fact that it was dropped in a single spot? Human energy ripples in much the same manner. Miss M is throwing the pebble to make the unclear clear on the subject of what love is and is not.

You are wise IamOne to realize that it is in "people's minds".
It is a weakness developed in fear to suppose that some things cannot be accomplished. There are too many minds thinking it impossible versus the few who visualize the end results of getting it done. If no one puts forth an effort to try then many dreams will be buried with the living dead. For those who prefer life with love at its center the Restoration of Love blog is a "kickstart".

To some people Terrence it does not matter how many blogs they read or how many books
contain all the answers, they're not paying attention anyway, they are the ones described as self designed victims-those who consider themselves victims of circumstances. They read, they understand, but they never act, they never do. The amazing power of love is if you practice it, even the smallest bit you know, it transforms the mind, the heart and what was an idea becomes a conviction. Never forget the first step is to love yourself, then love another just as you love yourself.

Thank you Terrence, your comments are appreciated.

Let's Restore Love

As people mature many of the things they used to do are no longer satisfying. They then set upon a path to redevelop their whole being hoping to evolve to a different category of life. They grow tired, become dissatisfied and the spiral course begins again. Self development requires your entire life, it requires a whole you and each new day is your opportunity to grow in an ever satisfying truth at your command. Love is that truth.

Love is a discipline. As you develop it; you learn to master it. You may ask how does one practice such a discipline? It is essential that it is not practiced like a rule imposed on oneself but rather as an expression of one's own will. It is essential that it be felt as pleasant with conscious, small acts daily that create immediate changes in your being. A practice each morning to start your day would be to look at yourself in the mirror, smile and say, "good morning! welcome to another day", bearing in mind that another day equals myriads of opportunities. Don't wait for some external force to cause you to feel love. You be the well from which love springs.

Love is recognized by its fruit and there is only one proof of love; the change you witness within as you begin to present love as a way of life. No, no, no, no, no, not the false media presentations that portrays love as just a feeling...to love yourself and to love another is not just a strong feeling-it is a decision, a declaration, a commitment. Feelings come in and go out, so to say that love is just a feeling would be wrong. When we love, judgment is involved; you may feel it but love is not just "a feeling. "

Practice loving, start with you and your household and watch its development. You can take these views into consideration but only you can develop and grow love within yourself . Love is exclusively an act of will , responsibility and commitment, therefore, fundamentally it must begin with you.

Let's Restore Love

'

When Its Time To Commit

Listening to some songs on the radio can cause a person to think that everyone is in love desiring only to be with the object of their love. Still other songs cause one to think how crass being in love must be. One moment there is a male singer pouring out words to express the need for intimate love, e.g. , "late at night it's hard to rest, I hold your picture to my chest and I feel fine..." Then in the next few minutes you hear a female who expresses, "... never thought I'd be alone, all by myself, but what is love anyway but a silly game we play..." Let's stop a minute to examine our commitment or lack of.

To be in love with another intimately means you have taken the time to really get to know the person. You are not being misled by what you see in the beginning. When a relationship is new, people tend to be on their best behavior and falling in love at the beginning stages is risky. Risky in that you do not have enough information about the person to make a sound decision to commit to that person. Know what you seek before beginning to waste time in a new relationship. Many in search of love tend to have the butterfly behavior of floating from person to person, spending time with someone you never would commit to waiting for the next person (the right person) to come along.

In perpetual love it is not wise to spend a lot of time with someone you already know you cannot commit to. You risk developing an emotional bond with that person which may make it difficult for you to end the relationship amicably, it also dishonors you and the person when the end comes and you go away, little communication of why, no goodbyes, or surprise announcements of its over. This abrupt act to just go away is the chief cause of hatred and even violence in many broken relationships. Why? Humans' natural interpretation of this act would be a message that says, your value to me is expendable and I can never commit to you.

The songwriters -writing for your listening pleasure- are personally expressing the love or lack of love witnessed or experienced. In this group you will find those who choose to write of the disappointments, the frustrations, confusion , irritations and anger associated with the dishonor of an abrupt end in a relationship and the message it sends.

If you are open, honest and visible about who and how you are, some people will like you and some will not. But the feelings toward you and acceptance of you by those who do like you will be solid and real leaving a greater chance for commitment in your relationship than not. Start to build your intimate relationships from here and avoid the rest. You need to see the person clearly, the good and the bad to determine if you can commit to this person. Of course, more importantly, know of whom you are seeking in the first place to avoid putting time in a relationship that you would rather not be involved in. Give songwriters some great material to write about.

"... ain't no love like my baby's love, its like burning fire shut up in my bones..."

Let's Restore Love

Every Thing A Season

Throughout our lives we meet others and share wonderful experiences with them then the experience comes to an end and the encounter becomes a pleasant illumination of the mind as we reminisce. Its like that pleasant cologne that captured your attention in passing. No need to look back at the one that's wearing it, just appreciate the fragrance while its near.
Examining nature we see that things change. The seasons change, the weather changes, sprouts grow to trees, and seeds to fruit; relationships also change. Call it evolution if you must.

In relationships no one wants to let go when they feel secure. At the same time no one wants to stay with feelings of uncertainty. Being in a relationship does not clone your feelings for one another ,therefore, the door is open for misinterpretations and misunderstandings. When relationships change from feel good to upsets and tears, someone changed the pattern, someone lost interest , there was no commitment, someone is no longer satisfied with the course the relationship is moving. The steady wave lengths of communication now change their frequency and much static is heard.

If you begin to experience changes in your relationship that disrupts what you regard as "the norm," it simply means the relationship is moving to another level and it may not include you , while at the same time, it may not be a bad move. Think of it as growing or an opportunity to nurture and grow. Focus your attention on improving and increasing, then gather the goodness of what you enjoy/ed in the relationship to savage it if it can be salvaged or release it and joyfully walk away knowing that your season in this relationship is over and its time to grow somewhere else.

Let's Restore Love
MJ

Trust

Why do you fret about your relationships?  Why are you not comfortable with the fact that you are loved and that you are quite capable of loving?  Somewhere there is someone that loves you.  In the universal scheme of things, we have the capacity and ability to love just as we have the ability to satisfy our need for energy when hungry.  Food and love are essential to living.  One is just as important to life as the other.  Just as food has to be farmed, harvested and prepared to be enjoyed, love has a similar process to enjoyment.  First step in that process is trust.

Do not expect to reap the full benefits of love without the key nutrient which is trust.  In perpetual love, trust is unquestionable.  You cannot snoop through the children's dresser drawers, under their mattress  or search your partners pockets, wallets, purses, email accounts  when you trust.  To do this states you trust as long as there is proof of their innocence.  

Examine the various relationships where you are loved and where you love others (be it intimate or otherwise), do you trust? Can you trust? Are there reservations to trusting?  Can you be trusted? Start today to be completely honest with those you love.  Honesty is the yellow brick road to trusting.  Trust that once you are completely honest in all your interactions with those you love, you enter a new dimension of loving where joy is supreme. 

A word to those who continue to play emotional /mental games with themselves and others.  Stop it!  Learn to Love .

Let's Restore Love

MJ

We Are Family

A group of women were having a discussion two days ago -and as women have a tendency to do when gathered together- the subject of family was initiated. One woman stated,"I hate my family." Another, almost without pause added, "I live with my Aunt and she makes me sick."
Comments such as these give credence to the idea that lineage is not an obligation or a responsibility. Of course such an idea is unfounded given that we live in one world which connects us as a human family. So what causes one to be sickened by or hate their family.

Consider that when born, we were not consulted about our placement with a particular family. Although in some super sensible teachings, it is thought that we make the choice before birth of the people that will act as our parents,guides, etc. Since this is not a super sensible teaching let's proceed with: we were not consulted and the families we are part of is who we end up with. To hate or be sickened by one's family points to one of three conditions:
1. Unable to express oneself as an individual within the family.
2. Disagreement with certain actions of the family.
3. Family's disagreement of one's actions.

Emotions can run high in families mainly by feelings of disappointment and disrespect. The root causes of disappointments can extend far back into the past. Upsets that are never addressed and resolved lay a pattern for disappointment. Sometimes, an individualist way of being (as an adult) is to do what they think others want them to do (false approval / acceptance). They deny themselves the human right to be who they really are.

When the family shows disappointment in one of its members, the member shows disappointment in self; especially when they hold the family in high regards. At the flip of this coin, when an individual shows disappointment of the family it is because of a track record of demonstrated inability or exhibited lack of interest to the individual expectations. Believe it or not.

Emotional ills in the family can be corrected but it begins with you. It begins with your love for yourself. By defining (in total honesty) who you are at this point in time then accepting yourself as a responsible adult competent enough to recognize your needs. Follow this by forgiving and forgetting what you perceived as disappointments. Restore the love with family members be they near or far away by extending your heart to say I love you. In perpetual love you cannot demand that others change who they are, but you can be a model for them to initiate change within themselves. This works both with your immediate family and your one world family.

Let's Restore Love

Stay Connected

In any relationship there are bound to be disconnects in communication. A disconnect occurs when mutual communication reaches a critical level through misunderstanding, ignoring or even disrespecting the other person's dialogue. Many seem to recognize when communication breaks down and few recognizes when it disconnects. You may be saying to yourself, "how can she make such a general statement?" Simple, take a look around you at the discord you see in various relationships. Regardless of the relationship category- be it personal/business/family- there will be disconnects every once in a while.

Keep in thought that when you are involved in a relationship, much work is required. There is no such thing as living happily ever after without the preparation and development to get there; and no matter the distance, every journey begins with one step. Allow yourself the freedom to be fully involved in all your relationships by being honest with yourself. Know what you need/want and even wish to have within your relationship. By knowing this then you are prepared to partner with another (regardless of the relationship category).

You cannot get there dragging a bucket full of lies around with you nor should you want to assist in carting similar buckets for another. Through dialogue you are able to exchange meaning.
Do not attempt to manipulate the dialogue, it causes others to mentally criticize you which makes it more difficult to engage in an honest free flowing dialogue; too it can cause the other to passively shut down which could lead them to decisions against their own will.

In love one should always look for and cultivate mutual purpose and mutual respect. When we love our hearts are made anew and happily ever after is around the corner in our life's travels.

Let's Restore Love

Change

Recently in Nashville, TN- in the latter part of summer- day time temperatures reached no less than 80 degrees. A man was seen walking the streets wearing a winter coat. As he passed by others, all eyes seemed directed to him. Many of us believe that temperatures control how we dress, but for reasons of his own this character chose to go against such a belief. Perpetual love too goes against the norm.

More then not you have heard many people make the statement, "...we have been through so much together..." when talking about their intimate relationships. Perhaps you have heard parents say in reference to their rebellious child, "..."I'm so sick of going over the same nonsense..." Maybe once in every blue moon have you heard a person say: "I'm going to change myself, (my life)by changing my point of view."

Quite honestly, the only requirement to changing how we love is to change our point of view. To love perpetually is a decision that you make to love yourself and others without attaching conditions, i.e., you are not governed by nor do you govern others by emotional or physical manipulation.

When you experience perpetual love it communicates to others honesty of heart, clarity of mind,
definition of intent. It is free of emotional games that humans play so well with one another.
When we switch our views to loving in this manner, it becomes the operant conducting our daily lives. As an operant it opens the door to events that shape our lives for the better because it illuminates the true love we have to share.

Do not delude yourself in thinking to change one's point of view is an easy concept. The simplicity of it causes it to sound very easy to accomplish, but in love the more we comprehend, the more there is to comprehend. Casting away much of how, what, who, why we believe as we do is the difficult portion. Just REMEMBER, no matter how much there is to do, it can be accomplished if we start and stay with it.

We can resolve many ills in learning how to love in this manner. Changing who we are and how we love is much like the man walking in the summer with the winter coat: Observers cannot explain it but they see it.

Let's Restore Love.

Is It Love?

     A young man, let's call him G was in a dilemma and asked for advise in that he felt he was losing his girlfriend and really wanted to keep her.  "she's nice people", he said, " but she and I might be breaking up." When asked the reason why, he painted the following scenario:

He met his girl some months ago and she, "rocked his world".  They had good times, they look great together, they get along very well, the sex is wonderful and they have plans to marry.  He asked her to meet his family and everyone was expecting her, however,  on the same weekend she preferred spending time with her buddies from the army (she is in the military).  She had re-enlisted along with others she knew.  For re-enlisting they each received checks for $10,000 dollars.  They planned to meet in Colorado and party together.

She promised him she would return by weekend.  After getting to Colorado, she began to entertain the idea of breaking up with him. She had had sexual encounters with one of the girls that was now in Colorado with her and although she loved him, she also had feelings for the other woman.  He stated, "I don't want to lose her" and he was sending her a text message to let her know his family will be disappointed if she doesn't show for the weekend.  She responded she just wasn't sure about their relationship.

He was so upset with her but he added, "I'm not upset that she is seeing another woman because I do not feel threatened by another woman. Maybe I would be a little upset if it were a man but not a woman."  He did not feel betrayed because she told him the truth.  He asks what must I do in this situation?                         __                       

Friend, should I go or should I stay is the correct question here.  Let's look at it through some other questions.  If you married her, is it okay for your wife to be sexually involved with another woman?  Are you content to be in a relationship where your partner is shared sexually?  Would your family be concerned about you in such a relationship?  Do you know that she wants you and only you?  You are not intimidated by the idea of another woman with your girl so does that mean you accept the possibility of never having an exclusive relationship with the woman you love?  Could she be happy loving only you?  Can she overcome her desire to have other women?  And if not, where does that leave you? Will the woman she is seeing be the beginning of others to come?  Is she in love but not with you?

He needs a hint to answer one of the questions here.  The answers to all the questions he has already seen within himself.  So here is his hint:  If you were okay with the idea of your girl seeing another woman then tell us why are you asking what you must do?

Restore Love,

J

Object of Affection

Long ago a favorite expression to define a difficult search was to describe it as "looking for a needle in a haystack."  Envision the process of doing just that.  What would be your first action?  Perhaps if you knew where the needle entered that may be a good start.  Some may even imagine using a metal detector or even a blower to level the stack.  No matter the method, the process of finding the needle could prove a very time consuming act. The time it would take to make the discovery could only be afforded by a few tenacious people who are also extremely patient.

Some people think love is as difficult to find as that needle.  Love is easy to find and even easier to bestow.  The difficulty rests in what is viewed as the object of affection.  Previously on this blog it was stated that before you can shower anyone else with love, you must first love yourself. Said before and now again, to love self does not render you as selfish or self absorbed.  To love oneself denotes that you find confidence in your being, you are secure in the thought that you have the power to execute changes in your life if changes are needed and you elect to do it.  

ometimes a person assess their state of being and find that areas of their lives need to be re-engineered.  So what do they do?  Many leave the assessment while hoping and wishing for change to come. Many others take the first step on a journey of change and cause the change that's needed because they know with every action there is a reaction.  You are the first object of your affection and this love too requires your attention and care.

To be content with who you are, knowing that you are capable of adjusting yourself if need be  equips you for interaction with others.  Discontented relationships are the way they are because discontented people are involved.  Such relationships harbor many ills.  To name a few you will find frequent disconnects in communication, anger, deception, feelings of inferiority.  Remember, one's behavior is a mirror of one's thinking.  Keep focused on  respecting and loving self and you will begin to see respect and love of/from others.  Why?  Because the object of affection is like bright lights to a moth - the glow attracts.

Many would never give a second thought to searching for a needle in a haystack.  If one were to consider doing it the first action would be the decision to carry out such a search.  It can be done, may not be so easy, but it can be done.  It all starts with you.

Restore Love.

 

Communication

An email from a reader states he placed a profile on a dating site searching for someone special. He asked to meet an intelligent woman who could be trusted and someone that he could spend some time with in hopes of it becoming long term. He received a reply to his profile from a woman who stated she is an intelligent woman and in search of an intelligent man who knows what he wants and is not afraid to express his feelings.

Ten months into the developing relationship the woman's personality took a 180 degree change from what he knew it to be. They met, began spending time together and exchanged plans they would carry out as they agreed to continue the relationship. He says they were pleased with each other initially. Suddenly without warning he could no longer understand her behavior. She complained that he was not greeting her in a manner that pleased her. She complained that he was making her cautious about him and each time they spoke she never failed to mention that she would abandon him. When he asked why was he making her cautious, she would tell him because I see you from a dbroad scope and you cannot see yourself or she would not answer the question. She told him at one point that if he could not keep up with her point of view that she would find someone who could.

He said the reason she gave for all these "requirements" is that she wanted the relationship to be better than other couples. She wanted everyone to see that they were happy when they appear in public. She began to ridicule him. She criticized him for not agreeing with her. If he disagreed with her she would get angry and result to insults of his character and the caliber of person he is.
He says she would yell, hang up the phone, close out their chat window or tell him suddenly she had something important to do.

After many such examples of her demands, he says he stopped for a moment to think it through.
It seemed she wanted to have the appearance of being in a loving relationship for public approval regardless of how miserable they were behind closed doors. He wrote, "she did not care that I wanted to offer her perpetual love and to bring her into my life as my partner where she could fulfill her fantasy. What she cared about was how other people would view our relationship." He states, " she abandoned me but I already knew she would because she threatened to do so in every conversation we had." He closed with he was glad that he had hidden the fact of his wealth or she may have revealed another personality to be with him because of the money.
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The response here is so simple and I use an adage to summarize:
"...CANNOT SEE THE FOREST FOR THE TREES."

Also, to this reader, when meeting other people there is no certainty of true character (so few people reveal true characters initially). Communication is perhaps the best way to explore the vast geography of another persons mental makeup thus helping you to identify who they are and why they do what they do. In this scenario, it may have been a good action for her to go away. Being abandoned may not feel good to you now but from what you describe you may have gotten the better end of this chaos. You may have wanted to make her the object of love but what did she have in mind for you?

Restore Love

Goodbye to A Married Man

A reader emailed to tell of ending her relationship with a married man; actually he left her. She said she loved him and he just walked away from her. She reasoned with herself that she did not want him to leave his wife nor did she want to ruin his status in the community. She went on to say that she was feeling such pain after the breakup. She stated that in her thoughts she hears that she should end everything and at the same time she hears that she should hang on. She referred to them as voices.

The email was extremely sad. To know that someone rejects the love within themselves because they have been rejected by another is always a sad state. The negativeness that is created when one feels rejected can sometimes cloud the thinking. But to this young reader and others in similar circumstances Rise Up. In order to love anyone at all there must first be love for yourself. Who are You? What is your worth? think of the love within you. It is more precious than all the gold and valuables in this world.

In spending time with the married man, you were honest in your commitment to him, perhaps your intentions were to show him how much you loved him by "excusing or dismissing" the marriage, his family and his "community status" in order to spend a little time with him. And trust that a little time is all you will ever spend in situations such as this. He may say he loves you. He may give you a gift or two, he may provide a place for you to live and transportation, take you shopping, he may take you out to dinner and even feed you from his fork. But the bottom line is he can never offer you what you really desire. That is to be by his side, to walk proudly as the man who loves you and the one you love.

There will always be excuses, reasons why he must stay with his wife, there will always be sneaking about as a rat that scurries in the night pinching crumbs; hiding for fear of being caught. Some men have been known to go as far as meetings in far away places to safeguard not being discovered by wife or relatives or someone from the community.
To put the perverbial icing on this cake, this man will cause you to hate the wife for the way she treats him. He will cause you to feel how you are the woman he wished he had wait to marry. You- being faithful - explain to your friends and relatives, how he really does not love his wife, or how the wife mistreats him, or how he and the wife maintain a presence for the child/children.
Then comes the trickey portion when he has to escape from you because remember your love is genuine and commited. You are in love with him so he must escape this before he gets in too deep.

In this getaway, all the compassion he may have expressed is no longer there. All the little nothings he whispered in your ears are probably screams or a stern voice unfamiliar to you now.
He finds fault with all you do and no matter how stressed you may become about it, he isn't the least bit concerned about your "feelings". His heart becomes rigid and cold. His actions toward you filled with contempt, where he may have smiled upon seeing you he now shows a grimace. He may say something such as " I do love you but..." or "I want you to be happy" or "its best for us both that I go". Sometimes, given the character, he could even blame you or your lack of "something" to please him for breaking the two of you apart.

Truth be told, what abuse by you to yourself and by him to you. First of all this type of relationship is based on lies. Secondly, it is primarily a relationship where the man in this case and (this includes the married women) are impelled to further their "happiness" through genital eroticism. This affords him his greatest gratification. The underlying idea here is sex is love.

Again, if you find yourself in such a relationship Rise up. You owe it to yourself to discover the goodness within you. You owe it to yourself to love without irrational behavior that lends itself when you are programmed by that bleeding heart that tells you, "I Love You...".
If a man cannot totally commit to his wife and family then he is a liar and thief. He lies to you and robs you of time, your values and your love.

Today, stand before your mirror, look yourself in the eyes and say I Love You.
Say to yourself, I will discover within my life genuine love and not crumbs thrown to me by someone rotely telling me they love me.
Say, I seek genuine love of another person rooted in my own capacity to love.
repeat each day as you smile , appreciating the face you see there. Someday soon you
will be very surprised at what you discover.

Restore Love,
MJ

Just Some Words?

Children, preteen girls, were overheard talking today.
Their conversation stemmed today's blog.
One young girl says, "why love, I mean what is that anyway, right?"
The other responded, "I mean people say it all the time, I hate to
hear it. Like when people say it, you don't know if they're telling the truth or if
they just want something from you or want you to do something."
One of the girls, imitated in a deep comical voice, "I Looove Yew". Both began to giggle hilariously.
As their laughter subsided, they looked at each other smiling and one said, "yea, rrright!" They burst into laughter again.

Some adults view the word love in the same manner. As just a word in order to get something or entice someone do something for them.
The statement that one of the girls made, "... people say it all the time...", interpreted without any validity. Could it be that she has witnessed empty relationships that now shape her view of love? Could it be she has stopped trusting those who say this to her? It could.

There is no love without trust, there is no love without action, there is no empty love. Yes, there are those who use the "I Love You" card to prey on the emotions of others as a means to an end. These wretches developed from some system where they never experienced genuine love or bitterness behind losing such love. As some of them grew and developed they never felt a need for or anyone to give them love and affection. With some others, they were shown love and affection but somehow lost it.
No matter which group, they now view love as a weakness of others. Their existence, a way of brute survival and their "I Love You" simply a plot, a ploy, some words to throw out to another in order to acquire something; they use it as a method to control the mind and being of another individual. How wrong is this??

Their way of being applies to the lower end of the human spectrum simply because love to such "types" is null. To see their hearts, visualize the dried sun bleached animal skull that lies in the desert. To see their minds, visualize a maggot infested, rotting carcass along a country road.
Sad and disgusting but the association is very close.

Let's Restore Love.

Beginning to End

Poetry expresses much in so few words.
A long relationship over 2, over 15, over 25
years can sometimes be summed up
in just a few words.

Its been a long time
 when near to you
 I was.
 Our closeness I
 once felt
 now as ice melts.
 Is it me, Is it you
 who pulls away from
 whom?
 My heart screams out
 a bellowing cry,
 why, sweetie, why?
 Only you know the answer that brought
 sadness to my soul
 only you know the answer that turned my heart cold.
 Someday joy on my path will come.
 The treasures I'll carry
 when your soul touched mine
 in passionate states as we intertwined
 so sweetly , so sweetly, but love did not grow,
 you never allowed your love to flow
 instead you placed obstacles in our path
 and one plus one equaled three in your math.
 Its ok and all is well
 despite the fact that I went through hell.
 Now as I heal and caress my wounds I turn again
 to be in tune.
 and so without you I will grow,
my heart will heal and I will know,
 but it will be a memory
 my love for you, your love for me.
 Time will test all that we do
 your love for me
 my love for you
 and with our new loves, as we reminisce
 respect each other
 respect the mind for it created
 all that we felt
 for it is what makes
 love so real, so grand,
 Never tiring to say I love you more & more each day
 Never speaking harsh words to generate pain
 to do this we will gain.
 The rewards of love can only be known
 when it is nurtured, when it has grown.
 let us be free, enough to be
 me loving you
 you loving me.

>

But It Hurts

A woman cried today because she says her "man" left her and it hurts so badly. Her description was, I feel like I'm dying. He don't want to talk to me, he don't want to smile at me, he don't want to see me around, he didn't even kiss me goodbye. Indeed he's gone.

She then said something that so many people say after a breakup. I just don't understand how he could do this. She said, "how could he just up and leave me without any consideration for my feelings." "How could he say he love me on yesterday and today walk out on me as if I were a total stranger. She started searching herself aloud. "I did'nt do anything to make him want to leave. We were doing so well. We spent time together, we laughed and joked around together."

As she sat there relating all the wonderful parts of the relationship that should have held it together the tears rolled down her face. Her body seemed frail from a night of grief and tears.
She wanted so much to be with him but he was no where to be found. He had walked out of her life as if changing his clothes. She just could not understand.

After going over the wonderful parts of the relationship, she again sifted her mind for answers to the riddle; how could he do this?? The answer to this riddle cannot be summed in a few words.
Think of this woman and ask yourself - how can a man or a woman willingly walk away from a relationship where there is love between the two? How is that possible?
Now think of the people you love. To be away from them for an extended period of time causes
sadness, loneliness, a longing to be there with them. So what happened here?

What happened here is affection without commitment. In an earlier blog on this page it was stated that sometimes the way a person treats another is often mistaken for love and rather than saying I love you , what should be said is "the way you treat me feels good" or better yet "I like the way you treat me." All good feelings cannot be labeled love but that is what happens many times. A good feeling is mistaken for love.

Love, as stated in these pages, requires committment. "Come what may" is the attitude required. Love creates balance in our lives when the reciprocity of love is felt. When any two people, regardless of the relationship type, commit to loving one another, they are preparing mind, heart/ soul, to weather whatever storms occur in the relationship. If one does not want to commit to the work needed in developing the relationship then the togetherness cannot be considered love. It is just two people having a good time and when the infactuation for the other person wears thin then the question is asked as tears flow like rain, "how could he/she do this to me??"

Comments

A comment of reflection was offered by the Wind & I which is shared below. Thanks to the Wind & I for their views on what love is and how love feels. Enjoy.
The Wind & I comment follows:
----

All these years all these tears! How easily we forget or even worse never really know what happiness is! Where is the gauge that one is to measure with? What are the paremeters one uses to compare or fashion a life of happiness with another? Well, would you not agree that it simply just does not exist! Isn't it true that a child growing up in a third world country does not know what he or she is missing so they are simply lost in some void!?

Well there is your answer! happiness does not, cannot exist anywhere but in ones own heart! One must be happy with ones self! Let me put it another way. You can never be anyone's anything till you are your own person!

So the first step is to find that personal happiness. How you say? Well the first step is to let go of all posessions! Not give away physicaly just throw away the importance! Remember there is no inherent value in anything it is placed there by the person! Once you do this you let your spirit free to realize that one must not cling to anything! Only praize it for its beauty and let it pass by!

Now you are at the essence of what true love is about! It is not things in common! It is not about houses and pets! It is about two human beings walking their paths on this earth! It is about two indivuals who have this gleam in their eye a little bounce in there step! It is these two human beings who cling to each other in the dark! The knowledge passing from their minds to their hearts that, yes this might be their last act on earth so they hold nothing back! They love with a passion of goodbye.........

Then they are complete! They awaken and face the day! They have stumbled on that wonderful secret that if you understand that you did your best, that when the sad day comes as it will surely come! They can rejoice at having been blessed in that they really loved there are no regrets!

How sad a world where a woman cannot be herself! A woman cannot go out with a man and if she chooses to make love to him for no other reason than she wanted to! She did what was right for her no fears of labels no worries of what he or others might think! What a wonderful woman she would be! That twinkle in her eye from the confidence she has in herself would be such a peasure to share! How much more apealing she would be because she was not acting a role she was simply living life...

June 19, 2008 9:05 AM

The Voice of Reason

If we compare the progress of an intimate relationship to writing a story there we find the three components that shapes a story; beginning, middle and ending. The beginning many times is the effect caused by an end making the end, often, a new beginning. There in the middle we find the climax of the story. In the middle of intimate relationships is where we can find conflict.

Every relationship will experience conflict in some form or fashion. Conflict appears after all the niceties’ of getting to know one another. Conflict appears when the veil of intimate diplomacy drops exposing the true person with all their qualities, as well as their faults and flaws. No matter the degree of content within the conflict, it comes and must be addressed then resolved.j
Always remember; where there is love, there is a resolution. The content of conflict appears heated, mellow dramatic, even destructive but where there is love there is a resolution.

Within the mental framework of all human beings there is a nondescript pattern of thought referred to as the voice of reason. Some psychologists attribute it to the super-ego (that which makes up the conscious self) and others to the id (that which is instinctual, part of the unconscious self). The psychological portion of it, for this purpose, has no relevancy except to state that it exists.

The voice of reason appears much like the voice a writer hears when developing characters. Although it is a gentle voice it resonates throughout the mind as the effect a trumpet blast would have close to the ear. It speaks a statement, it sometimes ask a question

or it gives an instruction. The voice of reason is there to coerce humans to redirect some action; ironically, as it resounds within the mind seldom is it heard. This may be due to its gentle nature; metaphorically a mother’s whisper to her sleepy child. Often you hear someone remark, “…something told me to…” or “…I should have listened to my first thought…” It's a voice because it speaks, directs, and instructs almost as if it is from outside of self. This is the voice that aids in any conflict if we listen.

Vernetta Davis is a woman who shared with this author her discovery of this voice. Vernetta has given her permission to recount the story of that discovery here. This author expresses great appreciation to her for sharing this story with us.

Vernetta’s Story

I was an abused wife and my husband used me as a punching bag whenever he thought bills needed to be paid. He preferred to gamble with his money, he preferred to show his girlfriends a goodtime and since we both worked he felt I could pay the household bills. because I earned more money than he did. For the last five years of our marriage we screamed, yelled, and cursed as a form of communication. I was so tired and worn out I could not smile anymore.

The proverbial straw that broke the camels back came when he got angry with me because I wanted to leave. He slammed me against the wall as he choked me, took his pistol, and pried it under one of my nostrils telling me if I try to leave him he would kill me. After nasty threats on my life he promised that if I managed to get away, he would kill my parents and my two daughters. I was so accustomed to his threats on me that I didn’t care but now he’s threatening my family. I knew him to be capable of and unstable enough to carry out such a threat A cool chill started at the base of my neck working its way down my spine and I remember the area around my kneecap weakening.

He finally released me after I promised never to leave. As I walked away he said, “I love you but I’ll kill you.” I went to the bathroom feeling hopelessly trapped. I reached under the sink for a cleaning solution to clean blood I spat into the sink from my bleeding lips. During our scuffle I must have busted my lip. Holding the cleaning fluid in my hand, I read the bottle cautioning if it got in the eyes to flush with water. At that moment I was no longer in thought. I do not recall any thoughts as I took a small cup from the counter and filled it with the cleaning solution.

I walked in my bedroom where he was now getting dressed up to go out. We were both silent. Holding onto the cup I went to my closet where we kept one of his old bats from when he played ball a few years back. This was the bat that won their championship and later it would be the bat that won my freedom. I reached inside, took out the bat with one hand and with all the force I could manage, I whacked his elbow. As he swung around I splashed the cleaning fluid in his face.

He was screaming while feeling his way to the bedroom door. I whacked his back just as he got into the hallway. He was turning, trying to see me, and kicking in my direction. I whacked the shins of both legs. As I whacked I was screaming don’t hurt my children, don’t hurt my daddy. He was pleading, “Please don’t hit me, please, please Vernetta.” I whacked again and again. He turned to the side and I whacked and whacked then I discovered a sensation of arousal this confused me, surprised me, but my attention drew back to him trying to get up.

I knew if he got up and cleared his eyes I would never see another sunrise. I raised the bat over my head and literally felt my body building force. My teeth clenched; there was tension in the sides of my neck, my heart was pumping blood at a speed that I never felt before and just as I took a deep breathe to bring the bat down across his head, I heard, “don’t kill this man.” I froze and even looked around as if it was someone outside of myself, at the same time I knew it was from within me.

I dropped the bat, went to the phone, and called the police and an ambulance. For the next few days I thought of nothing but this nightmare and the voice that saved his life and mine. He stayed in the hospital four days. I visited him on the third day with my clothes packed in my car to tell him goodbye. He pleaded with me to stay and let’s start over. As I walked out of hospital room I could hear him crying, calling my name.

I’ve had three conversation with him since then; each time he says “I really loved you.”

Again, thank you Vernetta.

Communication Part II

In any type of relationship, effective communication must be the thread that links minds. The aim of communication is to build a climate of trust, establish mutual understanding, and connect one person to another emotionally and mentally. Essentially, to communicate effectively is a meeting of minds and no, this does not mean agreement on all matters.

What this mean is you comprehend exactly where the other person is coming from; their verbal as well as physical intent (physical intent here as in body language). Being misunderstood / confused in your relationship is as driving a car on its axles – a bumpy ride with sparks of fire underneath.
The sparks of fire being the anger, resentment, humiliation, and loneliness that brews within the heart for lack of expression.

Anyone in business, education, law, and many other disciplines can attest to the necessity of clarity of one’s viewpoint. Clear communication in a relationship ranks high on the scale of importance.
When you think about it, what we say and don’t say, do, or don’t do, will be measured by the other person. [Stop a minute… nothing stated here applies to those who find it necessary to tell lies - remember communication is to build a climate of trust. Lying negates the effort].
Let’s continue.

How we convey the message is often the cause for misunderstanding, yelling, cursing, or degrading descriptions of the others’ character usually goes in one ear and out the other. The mood of a heated conversation tones down if we learn how to communicate with one another. To be effective in getting your point of view understood by another person requires practice. If we practice effective ways of communicating we develop a skill that will last the rest of our lives. A woman - Mary Fredrick, a mother of 11 children- said one day that living in a discontented household is like biting your tongue; the tongue hurts but has no other home but the mouth where the teeth are.
In other words we must come together in harmony despite the fact that there will be disagreements along the way. Communication is the bridge we cross to better understanding.

We could offer examples here from some of the most prominent authors who write about effective ways of communicating, but no snippets here.
Why not?
For one reason you may ignore purchasing the books, then too, you could decide to purchase one or two books which offer less than you expected do. A model of correction that worked for someone else and cloned as a method to apply does not guarantee it will work for you. This is not to take away from authors who have studied and worked diligently to provide this information. The preferred method here is to have you focus first on whom you think you are when you communicate.

You, as a thinking individual, have the ability to determine when something hurts or feels uncomfortable in your relationship with someone you love/ care for.

Can you express clearly what you feel?

Can you control your tones and eliminate your sarcasm?

Can you navigate within yourself and find your voice of reason?

Can you show respect for the other if the discussion involves a controversial issue?

Can you accept that the other person does not have to agree with you?

Can you confirm what you heard?

These are some of the ways to effectively communicate:

• Clear verbal expression of what you see and feel (rephrase if need be)
• Maintain a civil tone and refrain from criticism/sarcasm/bad behavior
• Know and recognize your voice of reason (it often contains the solution)
• Do not give in to emotional outbursts discussing a controversial topic
• Respect the other person’s right to their views
• Make certain you understood what was said (ask again or ask for further explanation until you are clear)

Let’s stop here for now, next time we will examine the mental seat in where sits the voice of reason.
Until then ponder this thought: our viewpoint is how we mentally see and understand, with it we create events which we call “our life.”

Communication Part I

Every relationship is interrupted with dissonance from time to time, no matter how sound the foundation. The common sense point here is simple, no two individuals can agree on everything. Gauging the intensity of discord always depends on what’s at stake. The idea of losing something or someone threatens a person’s survival instincts. It is the same for boy, girl, woman and man. Communication is central when an otherwise harmonious relationship strikes discord.

A child grounded loses the ability to contact and be with friends.
A man or woman involved in a relationship of intimacy discovers their "love" has cheated loses connection with that person (even if they patch it up, it remains tattered around the edges with issues of trust). Both scenarios negatively break down communication.

When there is a disagreement in a close relationship -such as the ones described above- levels of defense are high. Meaning here is there is much anxiety on both parts. The communication usually begins with “the explanation.” The child explains the reasons why their course of action led to this; they may also try to justify the action. The one grounding them justifies the punishment. A cheating partner explains why they cheated as the other explains what was damaged by the cheating. From “the explanations” the temperature rises. When this happens effective communication begins a spiral much like an autumn leaf from a tree top- interrupted by branches but the tumble to the ground is inevitable.

How can we effectively communicate at such a critical point in time?
We will answer that question in the next blog, “Communication Part II.” We'll stop here today.

Thanks for reading.

Remember When...

If you've ever considered yourself as being in love with someone special try to remember when you first discovered that person. Think back to dating them, going out together, holding hands, having a meal. traveling, the long conversations into the wee morning hours. On some other level, remember bathing together, living together, walks in the rain together. Do you remember?

Remember when it was all eyes on each other? Remember when you first kissed that person and you swore your feet were melting or that your heart skipped a beat? Can you recall their arms around you or you saying goodbye but not wanting to leave?

Remember when you looked in their eyes feeling there was no one else in the world for you except this one? The one to fill the void within you. Remember loves' nuance as you -needing to be close-whispered to each other? Oh how you laughed together then.

Think for a moment now and ask yourself what you wanted of the person? Was it to be with them forever? Was it an attraction to the person's body or their mind? Was the attraction for what they possessed or what they could cause you to possess? What were you seeking? Was it sex, money, a house, status, or did you think they would be your trophy to parade in public? ...What? How did you trick yourself into thinking this person could/would bring about joy and happiness that comes with love?

Take a look now where you are (if you're still there.) Are you still laughing together? Do you feel whole or has there been a reversal of the void? Has the bickering begun? Are you still excited when you see the person or have they become as furniture; you realize the presence but when not needed leave it alone. More importantly, do you respect them for who they are at this point?
Contemplate these things until next time when we address communication, the largest task to accomplish in any relationship.

Honesty, Seldom Heard

You have heard it said by others and perhaps even yourself that everybody lies. What a travesty for all to live with the acceptance of falsehoods as the norm. If one lives in this manner then all actions will be of this manner leading to a crumbling of self and society. You may ask, "what does this have to do with loving self and others." The answer; everything. Love is repressed by lies flowing through the conscious and sub conscious mind in much the same way as sickle cell in the blood stream.
Not only the liar, also the one who is the object of the lie, feel its effects. The liar is affected when the lie is spoken and the object once discovering the false details; both are left scarred as the pattern of the lie is weaved mentally and emotionally.
Think for a moment of making a purchase from a salesperson who promoted the item to be a wonderful thing then you find out its not. You probably experienced an upset that stimulated anger causing you to tell everyone you know that what you purchased and where from was not worth your time or cost. In business, the reputation suffers because the customer is lost and the customer,dissatisfied, becomes a scrutinizer of the business along with other businesses.
Think again of those you trusted, they agreed to certain promises but did not keep them nor felt concerned enough to inform you that there was a change in the script of the promise. The asininity of this again triggers anger with most people. This act of lying has caused many broken relationships whereby the liar is barred from crossing the bridge to amends yet they continue in the same mode of lying to others.
Think once more of the couple that commit to loving one another, "forsaking all others..."
The commitment shatters like broken glass when one of them lying in their action seeks external fulfillment rather than devise a means to correct issues within their commitment.
What is the necessity for lying? There isn't any but most people feel frightened by the consequences they must bear or reactions of whom they are lying to. Often they do not want their true characters to be revealed to the other person. Seldom are they willing to assess their character and say to themselves, "I don't want to portray myself in this manner." The one that does the assessment reaps great rewards. The very first reward: a content mind. Love thrives in a mind at peace. Said before and now again, one actually must love self to truly love someone else. A practice of honesty to self creates a paradigmatic block that prevents lying to others.
To love is to stop lying. Honesty is a prerequisite to restore love.

so you love me

Love is Lost Through Behavior

In talking with several people on the subject of restoring love generated their thoughts of negative relationships and the pain experienced while involved. None of them had anything positive to say on the subject of love except one lady who voiced she loved her dog.
There are children warring with their parents, husbands and wives and alternative couples hating one another but sharing the same abode. Neighbors peeping behind blinds spying on the neighbor they hate. In all such bitter relationships, love could be the resolution.
To love would put an end to sleepless nights of contemplation considering how to repay the person for the anguish and pain felt for their behavior. Isn't that where the bitterness begins? Of course. The bitterness begins with dissatisfaction of another's behavior which triggered fear, some injury of character or loss.
A mother fears her child will take a "wrong" path by copying the behavior of friends she disapproves of while the child regards the mother as a dictator inconsiderate of their choice. Both of them hates the behavior of the other.
A person claims to love "the one they're with" but creates opportunities to be in bed with another and -even in this age of flesh eating venereal viruses- is careless not to safeguard against diseases. When discovery of the infidelity is shown "the one..." has the urge to kill, sometimes -according to reports- succeeding.
Is it not the behavior that caused the hate?
A neighbor is defenseless when someone next door cuts down half a tree that borders both sides of their individual properties. One wants the tree off their property, one does not. The one that cuts it off their property feels justified that it is within their rights to do so, but the one that does not want it cut regards the other as a fool for cutting down a tree. The one defenseless determines to see what the other can do that is not within rights so the peeping begins. With each peep, the mindsetgradually settles into hatred. This too brought about by behavior. So does this mean that behaviors must change? Indeed it does.
Love requires action. Love is not stagnant, it dresses itself in a spirit veil within our minds laying dormant until called upon. It demands a change of character to correct indignant, impudent behavior. Love demands respect, honesty,and knowledge. Why knowledge? To practice love is to know love.
Join in next time for honesty in love.