Move Toward / Embrace

Have you taken note of today's great visual artists?  A new era in art has risen and a few of today's artists have surpassed the Masters.  Check out the works of ( Seventh International Sand Sculpture Festival). Those sculpted works at the festival can act as reminders that we shape our world into whatever we want it to be. Not only our physical world ,as the artist does in the sand; but aspects of our other worlds, especially, the paradigm we call love.  Sculpting our way to joy.

What is meant here is this: Examine the value of your life and your relationship/s with open eyes;  assess this value carefully for it leads to joy and what many term happiness. Who can say, I am where I want to be? I am where I want to be in terms of my relationships and all other aspects of my life. In the assessment, are you comfortable?  Are you content? Are you secure in the fact that someone loves you back? What last did you do to reinforce this comfort? When last did you wink at an issue instead of exploding? Why are your dreams only dreams? Why are all your relationships empty?  Create a stage where the two of you can be audience to each other.  Can you see?

Some still chase seminar gurus who encourage taking risks. Risk taking is more suitable to desperate people who have a concept that it is noble to -and the spoils taste better if they -take a risk.  Think about it.
Risk; a gamble , a chance, a danger, probability, hazard, lay on the line, put on the line, expose to loss or damage.
In other words the possibility of a win based on hope for a favorable outcome.  There is no need to take risks when changing your conditions; the order is there and you will carry out/accomplish what is in your heart to do. If you have a significant other, develop and create with that person. State the goals for your relationship. Why do you want a relationship in the first place?  Create that. Establish a system to keep each other actively involved. Discuss and correct aversive behavior if discovered.

You will find - in changing conditions, you create the life and love you want.
On the other hand, if your heart is not in agreement with your aim, you get quantity versus
quality and sometimes ,depending on the risks, you get nothing and end up stuck
 in the sands of life hoping for a re-creation.  Control your condition and change your life.

Express What You Feel

Its not always that humans say what they intend to say to each other.
Some write their mental scripts of what they will say to the other person

when the opportunity presents itself.  They find when they are face to face 
with the person, all they wanted to say becomes a phantasm.
How can this be? Especially with family and friends, those we say we love
and cherish, those who consider our relationship with them of much value.

How can this be?  You care, but you cannot express yourself openly and
honestly? What a shame, and still, how can this be? 


Expressing what one feels should be the simplest exercise, however, the
inability to express what one is feeling is a most difficult task- reason 
being-  failure to express feelings is the result of being far removed internally
from the character one presents to the world. Some characterizes it 
as living a lie.  This is the source of all drama in relationships:
trying to maintain an external persona that is not a copy

of one's internal image.  Fear is the culprit behind such false external images.
Some say its just a game humans play.  This subect of fear is
for futher discussion another day. 
 So how does one handle self expression?


 Poets and song writers have an uncanny way of observing and scribing
 human emotions.  Often, they express what others cannot say or refuse to say.
 The following example is from a song.

Courtesy of Rocky/ Quantum Band / Atlanta, Ga./1994

"You know that I love you,
that I love you, but distance is in
between us, I can't forget your
face and your picture is my
saviour, I'm coming to get you.
----------------------
Ask, what do I want/need  to discuss with someone else?
Must I seek clarity by having others elaborate what they are saying to me?
What are some difficulties that we must deal with? Verbalize them.
Do we need to look at the matter from different perspectives?
What ever one must do to express emotions and thoughts, then do!




 Think for a moment the last time you had something to say and

could not, would not say it. What stopped you?  Your emotions surfaced but then
they were suppressed;  why?  You be the difference in your relationships
by being open, honest and truthful to self and others. Share with others the
character inside, not the "broken" one you resolved to be externally.
This act eliminates false characters. It also fills you with courage, allowing
you to embrace your emotions.If you need a guide to aid in expressing
what you feel, then, listen to some music or read poetry, get yourself back on track
and express yourself; you'll be glad you did.

Revamp

Well hello there!! Yes its been a long, long time since the last post. There are times when one has to get away, reposition one's perspective and reorganize one's life. This brings up today's topic; revamping oneself as a form of self improvement. As you have read in this blog and as you will always read in this blog: in order to transform into the best or better person that you seek to be you must change ideas, change routines, change how and what you think then change your behavior and you would have started the evolution into an more enriched life.

One should not maintain routines that produces little or nothing in their life (especially when you realize that you want more). Change it! Do not be afraid to release and let go of the old to make space for the new. Many of us accumulate bags of emotional bricks that we try to move as we walk on our life's path. Life is happening now and will not wait for those who cannot see that their life needs a change now.

One may ask what does this have to do with relationships M.J.? Everything! Throughout our lifetime we will have a great many associations, some up close and personal, some not so close; but in all of them we want our best to show. Our lives are filled with nothing but events which when they are over becomes a part of our history and since some of us cannot see what our future possesses, it is fair then to say, only this moment matters.

Take time, examine yourself. Restore, refresh, revamp, reorganize, redevelop, then rejoice because you are reshaping the outcome of your life. From the moment you do this, you are setting in motion new pages for your future that will leave a history that was filled with love, life, joy, and proactive actions by you. Not only does it benefit you, it also benefits those connected to you in that every little action stirs a reaction.

Let's Restore Love.

So What's Going On?

Even though one may not see the necessity of couples activities, shared adult activities are essential to every relationship. These are the fulfilling and fun things you do together to maintain the spark, the freshness, the life of your relationship.

Being involved in a relationship, in the ultimate sense, means you're operating together as a team of two. The value and worth of your togetherness rests in how well you move with and complement each other; it can also include how well you plan develop and achieve as a team.

Sometimes you get started in activities and your "sweetie" drops the ball either because it is not fulfilling to them or they may not see the need for such activities. In exploration to add activities, aim for those things that each person finds interesting, essential and fulfilling. As you plan, both must make the commitment to do. Focus on the expected pleasure or emotions associated with the activity and begin reaping the joys knowing that you have much to look forward to. One of the reasons spouses and significant others seek outside relationships is their current ones are boring, stale and unfulfilled. Be the reason your "love" enjoys being a part of the team.

It is thought in many heterosexual relationships that the female commandeers the activities. That may be the expectation because the female role is keeper of emotional aspects of the relationship according to social scientists:
"In virtually every culture , it is part of the female role to
be responsible for maintaining the emotional aspects of the relationships..."
Boyd, D & Bee, H (2006) Adult Development. Boston: Allyn and Bacon
That may be the expectation , but remember, expectations are unspoken rules that can be discarded and together you can create new rules; your relationship, your rules.

Whatever you do, make it fun, exciting, even exotic (hey!). Walk together, bike together, travel together, be and do together. And do not forget to have your reflective moment alone every now and again.

Making "Us" Happen

In any effort of creativity you will find checkpoints throughout the development. Think of your relationship as a book that the two of you are writing. Just how are you developing the chapters? Create then recreate until both of you have exactly what you want and need, of/for/in, your relationship. This is what you must do to bring and keep the "US" in the relationship.

There are times when your special someone may chose to sit on the sidelines watching as you define and redefine the relationship without any proactive participation on their part but as Marvin Gaye and Kim Weston once sung, "it takes two to make a dream come through..." There is no we in me nor is there togetherness in I.

As the two of you create the events that compile the chapters of your book, remember you are indeed the creators. The pages of the next chapter are yours to design how ever you want it to be. You can write it together or permit "obstacles" to block and keep you stuck in the same chapter as yesterday.

Making "US" happen requires vision, imagination ( lots of it) along with, as always, trust and communication. Your chapters can be short or long , filled with adventure or subtle passion and beauty- you decide this together. Do not behave as the push me, pull you creature from the Dr, Dolittle movie, instead, dream together, plan together, relax and enjoy together.

Search for "US" in the relationship, examine your togetherness and if you should find there is no "US" then it may mean no continuity. No more chapters can be written here.
The End.

Rejected or Neglected

So, the excitement is over, the phone calls are few, the text messages one in a three day stretch, and the emails bearing sweet notes of adoration have ceased. You are now pass the introductory stage in your relationship feeling a bit more familiar with "the one you chose", that same one you invited into your world. Rather than the relationship evolving you begin to witness its extinction. What was once thrilling becomes lukewarm as your emotional temperatures drop.

"What happened?" you ask. Have you been rejected or neglected? That seems to be the question on your mind. Before answering this question, consider this:
If you are in pain and rather befuddled being jettison from daily conversations, holding hands and wee morning chats to no communication at all then quite possibly you've been rejected.
If you are still in communication with a weekly call, one line texts here and there that wishes you well and hopes that you're having a great day then perhaps its neglect.

But wait, what do your emotions say? What do you feel?
Surely if you feel rejected or neglected it does not feel good and for those who have much at stake or who are deeply involved it hurts. Lost passion, loss of interest, or finding that the person is to complex or too absorbed for you to comprehend- no matter the reason - the end result is the same. The one you want does not appreciate you; its as simple as that.

When you are interested in and appreciate someone you find a way to connect with them. When you appreciate someone you capture every available opportunity you can summon to chat with them, to hear them, to see them, to share your world with them, you want to know them better. You miss them when they are away from you. You desire to see them. So if you feel this way appreciating them then why it is so difficult for them to express their appreciation of you?

One great reason is that some men and women will always be on low emotional scales because they dwell at some past point in time where they once enjoyed their life. They hang around in halls of the past hoping to relive "once upon a time" rather than recreating their lives to stay in touch with what is happening now. They have false expectations that someone, something from the past will invite them back so they wait as they hold out/hold back on now. While in this state of wait they become self absorbed and saddened being incapable of appreciating the joys of the present.

Try as you may to influence participation if you are in a relationship where you are unappreciated, more than likely you will waste your time, however, you can manage and control your life and feelings. Accept the fact that your behavior to make a connection was honest, open and filled with perpetual love. Accept that you will be okay, hoping for the other all the goodness and joy you hope for yourself then release them from your heart and mind.

Create joy within yourself, use that energy to attract who and what you will have in your life and then share your joy and your love.

Let's Restore Love.

Embrace Love

It is of no surprise during America's lean economic times that many lives are dominated by boredom and emptiness as they face leaner pockets from financial strife. Many have a tendency to mentally fold inward, moving into a cave of loneliness to try and sort things out. The excitement and vitality of their relationships that once was has turned to disaffection and hostility.

When one's security is threatened it actually fuels hostility because so many lives are governed strictly through the emotions- and yes let's face it -money is a needed tool in our lives in that the things which sustains us cost. When faced with financial issues fear and worry become the mental dictates for many. It is so easy to spin away with dictates of negative emotions.

During these times you must create a loving environment within your relationships and be aware of growth and potential which always exist in chaos. Move toward those you love and care about and not away from. Now is not the time to visit your cave. As you move towards them , see love as a practice of acceptance. Accept and acknowledge the fact of the situation as it is and then begin to work on/through it. Embrace your family , your partners, your special someone, include them , engage them in critical conversations. All will be better off for it.

Eliminate any idea that you will not get through these difficult times; be optimistic about your future. The future we created yesterday is happening now and we have the opportunity to see what is working or not as we plan tomorrow today. Accept that whatever upsets you're experiencing there is a solution; lay your plan, set your goal, work it until you are where you want or need to be.

Be alive to new possibilities, in your relationships at this time. Allow your love to evolve at this time. Watch these lean times turn to a period of recovery and yes you can go ahead and say it; looks like we made it.

Let's Restore Love

So Change It

Loving someone can be compared as developing a good habit ; at least that's the conclusion of a conversation a few days ago. A friend recently quit smoking and began relishing the freedom from the habit that once gripped him. The once pallid spirit he possessed was revitalized, reenergized and filled with joy. The same steps that gets one deep into a bad habit can also be the steps to get someone into a good habit. The practice of loving can be that habit.

When relationships lack vitality it is because they have fallen into the bottomless pit of routine. The automatic pilot is switched on and remains as the relationship flies deeper into a rut. You can change this only if you are willing and want the best of great relationships with your loved ones.

Just as one would decide that cigarettes, over-eating, etc, must be dealt with to increase the quality of their lives, you must also use the same will to rescue your relationship from that apathetic stage known as the bottomless pit of slothful interaction.

When you've reached that stage you begin to hear ( such things as, "we don't laugh together anymore", or "we don't go out as much as we used to", or "we haven't done that in a long time." Each person in the relationship is responsible for making it work. This does not mean that your life becomes a circus either, rather be actively concerned and involved with those who matter to you.

No matter what category your relationship is grouped as - casual, family, intimate, whatever- it can fall into a rut. Its up to you to enrich it. To love is a personal experience which each person can have only for themselves. To take love to the heights that you want it is to have the willingness to change it into whatever you want it to be.

So change it.

See Yourself, Hear Yourself

All of our experiences are temporary. No matter what we are involved in it will eventually be over and finished, the experience, nothing more than a memory. This unfolding and closing of events is how humanity evolves. The love we have for those people in our lives should evolve as well. Love grows but not if un-nurtured.

There is nothing more aggravating than a stale, energy absorbing, going no where, and doing nothing, flat, fizzed-out relationship. Regardless of the category of relationship it is, it must be imbued with energy that keeps it alive and interesting. The fact that we are evolving says that we have little time to do this. We have to fix what’s wrong and move forward in a positive, loving environment that we create.

To fix what’s wrong begins- and let’s say it together- with you.

In these pages over and over you will read of getting to know yourself first and then your communication with others. Self awareness is where it all starts. Some are so angry or fearful about life they lose themselves in events that delivers more anger, more fear. We must be willing to take the journey of self discovery to understand and accept who we are. When we are unaware of self we are like ones who cannot see, hear or speak.

We can’t become aware if we will not examine who and how we are. Be willing to look at yourself without guilt, without judgment. Examine everything: the negatives and the positives, look fully at what motivates you, what stops up your active movement, what turns you off , turns you on , what elates your spirit, what stops success, what motivated your last thought and even why you don’t eat apple pie.

Examine it all!!

This examination is to make you aware. There is nothing to correct or fix during this examination. It’s the same as an examination at your doctor-making an assessment before taking any action. Through it you become aware of yourself and know exactly what to accept that works to make you better, greater, more capable of loving and being loved. If it works, keep it; if it does not work cast it. If others point out your faults and failures, you are way ahead of them- you already know. You’ve made the assessment and you’re working on it.

Be alive and nurture your relationship, after placing yourself on the next level toward joy and happiness, reach out and touch those you share a relationship with, help them to experience what you discovered. Love more, do more, enjoy more. Time is of the essence.

Let’s Restore Love

A Simple Thing

When was the last time you evaluated your involvement in your relationships?
We tend to keep tabs on other aspects of life and forget about the state of our relationships until there are upsets and much "crazymaking". It is then that attention is given, but too late. A friend, Ravon, says: " ...we no longer seem to pay attention to what's really important...especially to the people in our lives... making money has become our only priority..."
Has your relationship become as a shell, hollow without joy, a display of veiled emotions, cold and uninteresting?? What happened to it? What can you do about it?

Its amazing that we can organize, schedule, anticipate, forecast and manage everything else in our lives but our relationships suffer because we think they are supposed to just happen. Relationships as every other development requires attention. Our busy life styles demand that we prioritize and schedule. Is your relationship not a priority? In a recent discussion someone stated they don't need a schedule to, "kiss the wife and greet the children", and this sentiment was greeted unanimously as a true statement. For those who forget to show they care then this statement would not hold so true.

Sometimes during your day text, email or call your partner, your friend, your companion, your children, your parents, just to say, " missing you , thinking about you, loving you". Whatever you say lets them know they are important enough for you to pause whatever you're doing to remember them. It asserts your presence in their life and vice versa. It also reminds them that they are a priority for you.

Develop a mental scorecard to evaluate your relationship. Once in a while examine and know where you want your relationship to be then look at how it is and where you are. It requires so little to make this happen. It is not costly or elaborate. It cost nothing to: listen and encourage, have a virtual lunch, take a walk together, touch one another without reason, read to each other, cook together, etc. , you get the idea. In other words, do the little simple things to show just how much you care. If you haven't done it lately , do it today

Even if you have to schedule it;at least you will get it done. This is the work of caring.
Caring is important enough for us to consider it as we consider our jobs , so get busy and pen it on calendar. Then look forward to reaping positive benefits of your action because just as in business, what you put in is what you get out.

Let's Restore Love

Feeding The Hungry Heart

He told her, "I want our relationship to be as two hands clapping. " She responded, "...and let no one or anything come between us. " That was three (3) years ago as she recalls. Today he is her enemy, today they have only derogatory terms to describe each other, today both are void of any positive feelings for one another. What happened? From introduction to separation, the evolution of the relationship was arrested. What led to this interruption? Let's call them Jack and Sally.

Jack saw Sally, said to himself, "...god, I'd like to meet her!" They met. Sally at the initial meeting, thought to herself, "he is sooo fine!" The first 11 months they spent time together;
exchanging thoughts, eye gazing, wining/dining, holding hands, gift giving, photographs of one another, going for walks, the movies, bike rides, sking, hiking, traveling (whatever together). It was great and neither could wait for the next encounter.

The thrill began to wash away as their "fun" became far between, perhaps, due to lack of time and lack of planning. Each day the polarity of thoughts and feelings centered by the initial encounter became dispersible. Both grew accustomed to the physical selves, Jack is no longer as fine as he once was to Sally. Sally no longer, the figure of interest to Jack. Two hungry hearts have dined. They find something is lacking. Jack has become pigheaded and Sally a witch. The list of character flaws and faults grew. This same list led to attitudes, insensitivity, then the drama and eventually the separation.

Clearly any relationship has to be filled with activity; something to do. Most people know what they want to do to enjoy themselves. It's simple planning for yourself. Enjoying with another requires input from both, however, that is not always the approach.
Males have a tendency to leave this planning to the females - this is their way of ensuring fun for her (something to do with the males' Alpha rights, lol).
Females usually take the role of planning the fun because its expected of them (tales of taking care of everyone because of her nurturing qualities).
Before the fun comes the plan and both Sally and Jack should be involved, this provides an opportunity to see how well the other coordinates, correlates, calculates things. It could also be an opportunity to share skills.

Sharing knowledge in your relationship piques interest. Your value is heightened in the other person's eyes provided you are not a "braggart". Sally & Jack did not share this.
Mental rigidity takes hold when you cling to stale ideological views of male / female roles.
Jack & Sally boxed themselves in this way.
Admiring someone for their body parts must be coupled with other attributes of character as you consider interacting with the person. Sally & Jack did not consider this.
Recognizable flaws & faults in others boils down to acceptance or rejection of the same; although most tell the lie of not judging others. Jack & Sally rejected certain faults of one another but hid behind the lie until they could no longer tolerate it; drama followed.
Pulling away is not always easy after certain amounts of time together and that is when the dislike /hatred builds. Then comes anger, the catalyst for just walking away. Sally & Jack arrived at this exit and walked out.

There is stimulus for every thought and thought precedes any action. With that said, as you see your Sally or Jack, think of what you want your relationship to be. The hungry heart may need all seven courses before it can be satisfied. If you decide you're in it to win it, No issues/ faults/flaws should go unaddressed without a resolution and/or commitment to resolve. Both must be involved in every aspect of how the relationship is carried out.

Love is not a game. Again , it IS A DISCIPLINE, that can be planned, developed & practiced or regard it as a COSMIC ORGANIC which grows given it has care, consideration, and respect. Regardless of how you view it - for Love to establish itself and you to emotionally engage it and know that its there - you must honesty communicate (say what's in your heart) and commit (consciously accept your aim for the relationship).

Let's Restore Love