Communication Part II

In any type of relationship, effective communication must be the thread that links minds. The aim of communication is to build a climate of trust, establish mutual understanding, and connect one person to another emotionally and mentally. Essentially, to communicate effectively is a meeting of minds and no, this does not mean agreement on all matters.

What this mean is you comprehend exactly where the other person is coming from; their verbal as well as physical intent (physical intent here as in body language). Being misunderstood / confused in your relationship is as driving a car on its axles – a bumpy ride with sparks of fire underneath.
The sparks of fire being the anger, resentment, humiliation, and loneliness that brews within the heart for lack of expression.

Anyone in business, education, law, and many other disciplines can attest to the necessity of clarity of one’s viewpoint. Clear communication in a relationship ranks high on the scale of importance.
When you think about it, what we say and don’t say, do, or don’t do, will be measured by the other person. [Stop a minute… nothing stated here applies to those who find it necessary to tell lies - remember communication is to build a climate of trust. Lying negates the effort].
Let’s continue.

How we convey the message is often the cause for misunderstanding, yelling, cursing, or degrading descriptions of the others’ character usually goes in one ear and out the other. The mood of a heated conversation tones down if we learn how to communicate with one another. To be effective in getting your point of view understood by another person requires practice. If we practice effective ways of communicating we develop a skill that will last the rest of our lives. A woman - Mary Fredrick, a mother of 11 children- said one day that living in a discontented household is like biting your tongue; the tongue hurts but has no other home but the mouth where the teeth are.
In other words we must come together in harmony despite the fact that there will be disagreements along the way. Communication is the bridge we cross to better understanding.

We could offer examples here from some of the most prominent authors who write about effective ways of communicating, but no snippets here.
Why not?
For one reason you may ignore purchasing the books, then too, you could decide to purchase one or two books which offer less than you expected do. A model of correction that worked for someone else and cloned as a method to apply does not guarantee it will work for you. This is not to take away from authors who have studied and worked diligently to provide this information. The preferred method here is to have you focus first on whom you think you are when you communicate.

You, as a thinking individual, have the ability to determine when something hurts or feels uncomfortable in your relationship with someone you love/ care for.

Can you express clearly what you feel?

Can you control your tones and eliminate your sarcasm?

Can you navigate within yourself and find your voice of reason?

Can you show respect for the other if the discussion involves a controversial issue?

Can you accept that the other person does not have to agree with you?

Can you confirm what you heard?

These are some of the ways to effectively communicate:

• Clear verbal expression of what you see and feel (rephrase if need be)
• Maintain a civil tone and refrain from criticism/sarcasm/bad behavior
• Know and recognize your voice of reason (it often contains the solution)
• Do not give in to emotional outbursts discussing a controversial topic
• Respect the other person’s right to their views
• Make certain you understood what was said (ask again or ask for further explanation until you are clear)

Let’s stop here for now, next time we will examine the mental seat in where sits the voice of reason.
Until then ponder this thought: our viewpoint is how we mentally see and understand, with it we create events which we call “our life.”

Communication Part I

Every relationship is interrupted with dissonance from time to time, no matter how sound the foundation. The common sense point here is simple, no two individuals can agree on everything. Gauging the intensity of discord always depends on what’s at stake. The idea of losing something or someone threatens a person’s survival instincts. It is the same for boy, girl, woman and man. Communication is central when an otherwise harmonious relationship strikes discord.

A child grounded loses the ability to contact and be with friends.
A man or woman involved in a relationship of intimacy discovers their "love" has cheated loses connection with that person (even if they patch it up, it remains tattered around the edges with issues of trust). Both scenarios negatively break down communication.

When there is a disagreement in a close relationship -such as the ones described above- levels of defense are high. Meaning here is there is much anxiety on both parts. The communication usually begins with “the explanation.” The child explains the reasons why their course of action led to this; they may also try to justify the action. The one grounding them justifies the punishment. A cheating partner explains why they cheated as the other explains what was damaged by the cheating. From “the explanations” the temperature rises. When this happens effective communication begins a spiral much like an autumn leaf from a tree top- interrupted by branches but the tumble to the ground is inevitable.

How can we effectively communicate at such a critical point in time?
We will answer that question in the next blog, “Communication Part II.” We'll stop here today.

Thanks for reading.

Remember When...

If you've ever considered yourself as being in love with someone special try to remember when you first discovered that person. Think back to dating them, going out together, holding hands, having a meal. traveling, the long conversations into the wee morning hours. On some other level, remember bathing together, living together, walks in the rain together. Do you remember?

Remember when it was all eyes on each other? Remember when you first kissed that person and you swore your feet were melting or that your heart skipped a beat? Can you recall their arms around you or you saying goodbye but not wanting to leave?

Remember when you looked in their eyes feeling there was no one else in the world for you except this one? The one to fill the void within you. Remember loves' nuance as you -needing to be close-whispered to each other? Oh how you laughed together then.

Think for a moment now and ask yourself what you wanted of the person? Was it to be with them forever? Was it an attraction to the person's body or their mind? Was the attraction for what they possessed or what they could cause you to possess? What were you seeking? Was it sex, money, a house, status, or did you think they would be your trophy to parade in public? ...What? How did you trick yourself into thinking this person could/would bring about joy and happiness that comes with love?

Take a look now where you are (if you're still there.) Are you still laughing together? Do you feel whole or has there been a reversal of the void? Has the bickering begun? Are you still excited when you see the person or have they become as furniture; you realize the presence but when not needed leave it alone. More importantly, do you respect them for who they are at this point?
Contemplate these things until next time when we address communication, the largest task to accomplish in any relationship.

Honesty, Seldom Heard

You have heard it said by others and perhaps even yourself that everybody lies. What a travesty for all to live with the acceptance of falsehoods as the norm. If one lives in this manner then all actions will be of this manner leading to a crumbling of self and society. You may ask, "what does this have to do with loving self and others." The answer; everything. Love is repressed by lies flowing through the conscious and sub conscious mind in much the same way as sickle cell in the blood stream.
Not only the liar, also the one who is the object of the lie, feel its effects. The liar is affected when the lie is spoken and the object once discovering the false details; both are left scarred as the pattern of the lie is weaved mentally and emotionally.
Think for a moment of making a purchase from a salesperson who promoted the item to be a wonderful thing then you find out its not. You probably experienced an upset that stimulated anger causing you to tell everyone you know that what you purchased and where from was not worth your time or cost. In business, the reputation suffers because the customer is lost and the customer,dissatisfied, becomes a scrutinizer of the business along with other businesses.
Think again of those you trusted, they agreed to certain promises but did not keep them nor felt concerned enough to inform you that there was a change in the script of the promise. The asininity of this again triggers anger with most people. This act of lying has caused many broken relationships whereby the liar is barred from crossing the bridge to amends yet they continue in the same mode of lying to others.
Think once more of the couple that commit to loving one another, "forsaking all others..."
The commitment shatters like broken glass when one of them lying in their action seeks external fulfillment rather than devise a means to correct issues within their commitment.
What is the necessity for lying? There isn't any but most people feel frightened by the consequences they must bear or reactions of whom they are lying to. Often they do not want their true characters to be revealed to the other person. Seldom are they willing to assess their character and say to themselves, "I don't want to portray myself in this manner." The one that does the assessment reaps great rewards. The very first reward: a content mind. Love thrives in a mind at peace. Said before and now again, one actually must love self to truly love someone else. A practice of honesty to self creates a paradigmatic block that prevents lying to others.
To love is to stop lying. Honesty is a prerequisite to restore love.

so you love me

Love is Lost Through Behavior

In talking with several people on the subject of restoring love generated their thoughts of negative relationships and the pain experienced while involved. None of them had anything positive to say on the subject of love except one lady who voiced she loved her dog.
There are children warring with their parents, husbands and wives and alternative couples hating one another but sharing the same abode. Neighbors peeping behind blinds spying on the neighbor they hate. In all such bitter relationships, love could be the resolution.
To love would put an end to sleepless nights of contemplation considering how to repay the person for the anguish and pain felt for their behavior. Isn't that where the bitterness begins? Of course. The bitterness begins with dissatisfaction of another's behavior which triggered fear, some injury of character or loss.
A mother fears her child will take a "wrong" path by copying the behavior of friends she disapproves of while the child regards the mother as a dictator inconsiderate of their choice. Both of them hates the behavior of the other.
A person claims to love "the one they're with" but creates opportunities to be in bed with another and -even in this age of flesh eating venereal viruses- is careless not to safeguard against diseases. When discovery of the infidelity is shown "the one..." has the urge to kill, sometimes -according to reports- succeeding.
Is it not the behavior that caused the hate?
A neighbor is defenseless when someone next door cuts down half a tree that borders both sides of their individual properties. One wants the tree off their property, one does not. The one that cuts it off their property feels justified that it is within their rights to do so, but the one that does not want it cut regards the other as a fool for cutting down a tree. The one defenseless determines to see what the other can do that is not within rights so the peeping begins. With each peep, the mindsetgradually settles into hatred. This too brought about by behavior. So does this mean that behaviors must change? Indeed it does.
Love requires action. Love is not stagnant, it dresses itself in a spirit veil within our minds laying dormant until called upon. It demands a change of character to correct indignant, impudent behavior. Love demands respect, honesty,and knowledge. Why knowledge? To practice love is to know love.
Join in next time for honesty in love.