Just Some Words?

Children, preteen girls, were overheard talking today.
Their conversation stemmed today's blog.
One young girl says, "why love, I mean what is that anyway, right?"
The other responded, "I mean people say it all the time, I hate to
hear it. Like when people say it, you don't know if they're telling the truth or if
they just want something from you or want you to do something."
One of the girls, imitated in a deep comical voice, "I Looove Yew". Both began to giggle hilariously.
As their laughter subsided, they looked at each other smiling and one said, "yea, rrright!" They burst into laughter again.

Some adults view the word love in the same manner. As just a word in order to get something or entice someone do something for them.
The statement that one of the girls made, "... people say it all the time...", interpreted without any validity. Could it be that she has witnessed empty relationships that now shape her view of love? Could it be she has stopped trusting those who say this to her? It could.

There is no love without trust, there is no love without action, there is no empty love. Yes, there are those who use the "I Love You" card to prey on the emotions of others as a means to an end. These wretches developed from some system where they never experienced genuine love or bitterness behind losing such love. As some of them grew and developed they never felt a need for or anyone to give them love and affection. With some others, they were shown love and affection but somehow lost it.
No matter which group, they now view love as a weakness of others. Their existence, a way of brute survival and their "I Love You" simply a plot, a ploy, some words to throw out to another in order to acquire something; they use it as a method to control the mind and being of another individual. How wrong is this??

Their way of being applies to the lower end of the human spectrum simply because love to such "types" is null. To see their hearts, visualize the dried sun bleached animal skull that lies in the desert. To see their minds, visualize a maggot infested, rotting carcass along a country road.
Sad and disgusting but the association is very close.

Let's Restore Love.

Beginning to End

Poetry expresses much in so few words.
A long relationship over 2, over 15, over 25
years can sometimes be summed up
in just a few words.

Its been a long time
 when near to you
 I was.
 Our closeness I
 once felt
 now as ice melts.
 Is it me, Is it you
 who pulls away from
 whom?
 My heart screams out
 a bellowing cry,
 why, sweetie, why?
 Only you know the answer that brought
 sadness to my soul
 only you know the answer that turned my heart cold.
 Someday joy on my path will come.
 The treasures I'll carry
 when your soul touched mine
 in passionate states as we intertwined
 so sweetly , so sweetly, but love did not grow,
 you never allowed your love to flow
 instead you placed obstacles in our path
 and one plus one equaled three in your math.
 Its ok and all is well
 despite the fact that I went through hell.
 Now as I heal and caress my wounds I turn again
 to be in tune.
 and so without you I will grow,
my heart will heal and I will know,
 but it will be a memory
 my love for you, your love for me.
 Time will test all that we do
 your love for me
 my love for you
 and with our new loves, as we reminisce
 respect each other
 respect the mind for it created
 all that we felt
 for it is what makes
 love so real, so grand,
 Never tiring to say I love you more & more each day
 Never speaking harsh words to generate pain
 to do this we will gain.
 The rewards of love can only be known
 when it is nurtured, when it has grown.
 let us be free, enough to be
 me loving you
 you loving me.

>

But It Hurts

A woman cried today because she says her "man" left her and it hurts so badly. Her description was, I feel like I'm dying. He don't want to talk to me, he don't want to smile at me, he don't want to see me around, he didn't even kiss me goodbye. Indeed he's gone.

She then said something that so many people say after a breakup. I just don't understand how he could do this. She said, "how could he just up and leave me without any consideration for my feelings." "How could he say he love me on yesterday and today walk out on me as if I were a total stranger. She started searching herself aloud. "I did'nt do anything to make him want to leave. We were doing so well. We spent time together, we laughed and joked around together."

As she sat there relating all the wonderful parts of the relationship that should have held it together the tears rolled down her face. Her body seemed frail from a night of grief and tears.
She wanted so much to be with him but he was no where to be found. He had walked out of her life as if changing his clothes. She just could not understand.

After going over the wonderful parts of the relationship, she again sifted her mind for answers to the riddle; how could he do this?? The answer to this riddle cannot be summed in a few words.
Think of this woman and ask yourself - how can a man or a woman willingly walk away from a relationship where there is love between the two? How is that possible?
Now think of the people you love. To be away from them for an extended period of time causes
sadness, loneliness, a longing to be there with them. So what happened here?

What happened here is affection without commitment. In an earlier blog on this page it was stated that sometimes the way a person treats another is often mistaken for love and rather than saying I love you , what should be said is "the way you treat me feels good" or better yet "I like the way you treat me." All good feelings cannot be labeled love but that is what happens many times. A good feeling is mistaken for love.

Love, as stated in these pages, requires committment. "Come what may" is the attitude required. Love creates balance in our lives when the reciprocity of love is felt. When any two people, regardless of the relationship type, commit to loving one another, they are preparing mind, heart/ soul, to weather whatever storms occur in the relationship. If one does not want to commit to the work needed in developing the relationship then the togetherness cannot be considered love. It is just two people having a good time and when the infactuation for the other person wears thin then the question is asked as tears flow like rain, "how could he/she do this to me??"

Comments

A comment of reflection was offered by the Wind & I which is shared below. Thanks to the Wind & I for their views on what love is and how love feels. Enjoy.
The Wind & I comment follows:
----

All these years all these tears! How easily we forget or even worse never really know what happiness is! Where is the gauge that one is to measure with? What are the paremeters one uses to compare or fashion a life of happiness with another? Well, would you not agree that it simply just does not exist! Isn't it true that a child growing up in a third world country does not know what he or she is missing so they are simply lost in some void!?

Well there is your answer! happiness does not, cannot exist anywhere but in ones own heart! One must be happy with ones self! Let me put it another way. You can never be anyone's anything till you are your own person!

So the first step is to find that personal happiness. How you say? Well the first step is to let go of all posessions! Not give away physicaly just throw away the importance! Remember there is no inherent value in anything it is placed there by the person! Once you do this you let your spirit free to realize that one must not cling to anything! Only praize it for its beauty and let it pass by!

Now you are at the essence of what true love is about! It is not things in common! It is not about houses and pets! It is about two human beings walking their paths on this earth! It is about two indivuals who have this gleam in their eye a little bounce in there step! It is these two human beings who cling to each other in the dark! The knowledge passing from their minds to their hearts that, yes this might be their last act on earth so they hold nothing back! They love with a passion of goodbye.........

Then they are complete! They awaken and face the day! They have stumbled on that wonderful secret that if you understand that you did your best, that when the sad day comes as it will surely come! They can rejoice at having been blessed in that they really loved there are no regrets!

How sad a world where a woman cannot be herself! A woman cannot go out with a man and if she chooses to make love to him for no other reason than she wanted to! She did what was right for her no fears of labels no worries of what he or others might think! What a wonderful woman she would be! That twinkle in her eye from the confidence she has in herself would be such a peasure to share! How much more apealing she would be because she was not acting a role she was simply living life...

June 19, 2008 9:05 AM

The Voice of Reason

If we compare the progress of an intimate relationship to writing a story there we find the three components that shapes a story; beginning, middle and ending. The beginning many times is the effect caused by an end making the end, often, a new beginning. There in the middle we find the climax of the story. In the middle of intimate relationships is where we can find conflict.

Every relationship will experience conflict in some form or fashion. Conflict appears after all the niceties’ of getting to know one another. Conflict appears when the veil of intimate diplomacy drops exposing the true person with all their qualities, as well as their faults and flaws. No matter the degree of content within the conflict, it comes and must be addressed then resolved.j
Always remember; where there is love, there is a resolution. The content of conflict appears heated, mellow dramatic, even destructive but where there is love there is a resolution.

Within the mental framework of all human beings there is a nondescript pattern of thought referred to as the voice of reason. Some psychologists attribute it to the super-ego (that which makes up the conscious self) and others to the id (that which is instinctual, part of the unconscious self). The psychological portion of it, for this purpose, has no relevancy except to state that it exists.

The voice of reason appears much like the voice a writer hears when developing characters. Although it is a gentle voice it resonates throughout the mind as the effect a trumpet blast would have close to the ear. It speaks a statement, it sometimes ask a question

or it gives an instruction. The voice of reason is there to coerce humans to redirect some action; ironically, as it resounds within the mind seldom is it heard. This may be due to its gentle nature; metaphorically a mother’s whisper to her sleepy child. Often you hear someone remark, “…something told me to…” or “…I should have listened to my first thought…” It's a voice because it speaks, directs, and instructs almost as if it is from outside of self. This is the voice that aids in any conflict if we listen.

Vernetta Davis is a woman who shared with this author her discovery of this voice. Vernetta has given her permission to recount the story of that discovery here. This author expresses great appreciation to her for sharing this story with us.

Vernetta’s Story

I was an abused wife and my husband used me as a punching bag whenever he thought bills needed to be paid. He preferred to gamble with his money, he preferred to show his girlfriends a goodtime and since we both worked he felt I could pay the household bills. because I earned more money than he did. For the last five years of our marriage we screamed, yelled, and cursed as a form of communication. I was so tired and worn out I could not smile anymore.

The proverbial straw that broke the camels back came when he got angry with me because I wanted to leave. He slammed me against the wall as he choked me, took his pistol, and pried it under one of my nostrils telling me if I try to leave him he would kill me. After nasty threats on my life he promised that if I managed to get away, he would kill my parents and my two daughters. I was so accustomed to his threats on me that I didn’t care but now he’s threatening my family. I knew him to be capable of and unstable enough to carry out such a threat A cool chill started at the base of my neck working its way down my spine and I remember the area around my kneecap weakening.

He finally released me after I promised never to leave. As I walked away he said, “I love you but I’ll kill you.” I went to the bathroom feeling hopelessly trapped. I reached under the sink for a cleaning solution to clean blood I spat into the sink from my bleeding lips. During our scuffle I must have busted my lip. Holding the cleaning fluid in my hand, I read the bottle cautioning if it got in the eyes to flush with water. At that moment I was no longer in thought. I do not recall any thoughts as I took a small cup from the counter and filled it with the cleaning solution.

I walked in my bedroom where he was now getting dressed up to go out. We were both silent. Holding onto the cup I went to my closet where we kept one of his old bats from when he played ball a few years back. This was the bat that won their championship and later it would be the bat that won my freedom. I reached inside, took out the bat with one hand and with all the force I could manage, I whacked his elbow. As he swung around I splashed the cleaning fluid in his face.

He was screaming while feeling his way to the bedroom door. I whacked his back just as he got into the hallway. He was turning, trying to see me, and kicking in my direction. I whacked the shins of both legs. As I whacked I was screaming don’t hurt my children, don’t hurt my daddy. He was pleading, “Please don’t hit me, please, please Vernetta.” I whacked again and again. He turned to the side and I whacked and whacked then I discovered a sensation of arousal this confused me, surprised me, but my attention drew back to him trying to get up.

I knew if he got up and cleared his eyes I would never see another sunrise. I raised the bat over my head and literally felt my body building force. My teeth clenched; there was tension in the sides of my neck, my heart was pumping blood at a speed that I never felt before and just as I took a deep breathe to bring the bat down across his head, I heard, “don’t kill this man.” I froze and even looked around as if it was someone outside of myself, at the same time I knew it was from within me.

I dropped the bat, went to the phone, and called the police and an ambulance. For the next few days I thought of nothing but this nightmare and the voice that saved his life and mine. He stayed in the hospital four days. I visited him on the third day with my clothes packed in my car to tell him goodbye. He pleaded with me to stay and let’s start over. As I walked out of hospital room I could hear him crying, calling my name.

I’ve had three conversation with him since then; each time he says “I really loved you.”

Again, thank you Vernetta.

Communication Part II

In any type of relationship, effective communication must be the thread that links minds. The aim of communication is to build a climate of trust, establish mutual understanding, and connect one person to another emotionally and mentally. Essentially, to communicate effectively is a meeting of minds and no, this does not mean agreement on all matters.

What this mean is you comprehend exactly where the other person is coming from; their verbal as well as physical intent (physical intent here as in body language). Being misunderstood / confused in your relationship is as driving a car on its axles – a bumpy ride with sparks of fire underneath.
The sparks of fire being the anger, resentment, humiliation, and loneliness that brews within the heart for lack of expression.

Anyone in business, education, law, and many other disciplines can attest to the necessity of clarity of one’s viewpoint. Clear communication in a relationship ranks high on the scale of importance.
When you think about it, what we say and don’t say, do, or don’t do, will be measured by the other person. [Stop a minute… nothing stated here applies to those who find it necessary to tell lies - remember communication is to build a climate of trust. Lying negates the effort].
Let’s continue.

How we convey the message is often the cause for misunderstanding, yelling, cursing, or degrading descriptions of the others’ character usually goes in one ear and out the other. The mood of a heated conversation tones down if we learn how to communicate with one another. To be effective in getting your point of view understood by another person requires practice. If we practice effective ways of communicating we develop a skill that will last the rest of our lives. A woman - Mary Fredrick, a mother of 11 children- said one day that living in a discontented household is like biting your tongue; the tongue hurts but has no other home but the mouth where the teeth are.
In other words we must come together in harmony despite the fact that there will be disagreements along the way. Communication is the bridge we cross to better understanding.

We could offer examples here from some of the most prominent authors who write about effective ways of communicating, but no snippets here.
Why not?
For one reason you may ignore purchasing the books, then too, you could decide to purchase one or two books which offer less than you expected do. A model of correction that worked for someone else and cloned as a method to apply does not guarantee it will work for you. This is not to take away from authors who have studied and worked diligently to provide this information. The preferred method here is to have you focus first on whom you think you are when you communicate.

You, as a thinking individual, have the ability to determine when something hurts or feels uncomfortable in your relationship with someone you love/ care for.

Can you express clearly what you feel?

Can you control your tones and eliminate your sarcasm?

Can you navigate within yourself and find your voice of reason?

Can you show respect for the other if the discussion involves a controversial issue?

Can you accept that the other person does not have to agree with you?

Can you confirm what you heard?

These are some of the ways to effectively communicate:

• Clear verbal expression of what you see and feel (rephrase if need be)
• Maintain a civil tone and refrain from criticism/sarcasm/bad behavior
• Know and recognize your voice of reason (it often contains the solution)
• Do not give in to emotional outbursts discussing a controversial topic
• Respect the other person’s right to their views
• Make certain you understood what was said (ask again or ask for further explanation until you are clear)

Let’s stop here for now, next time we will examine the mental seat in where sits the voice of reason.
Until then ponder this thought: our viewpoint is how we mentally see and understand, with it we create events which we call “our life.”

Communication Part I

Every relationship is interrupted with dissonance from time to time, no matter how sound the foundation. The common sense point here is simple, no two individuals can agree on everything. Gauging the intensity of discord always depends on what’s at stake. The idea of losing something or someone threatens a person’s survival instincts. It is the same for boy, girl, woman and man. Communication is central when an otherwise harmonious relationship strikes discord.

A child grounded loses the ability to contact and be with friends.
A man or woman involved in a relationship of intimacy discovers their "love" has cheated loses connection with that person (even if they patch it up, it remains tattered around the edges with issues of trust). Both scenarios negatively break down communication.

When there is a disagreement in a close relationship -such as the ones described above- levels of defense are high. Meaning here is there is much anxiety on both parts. The communication usually begins with “the explanation.” The child explains the reasons why their course of action led to this; they may also try to justify the action. The one grounding them justifies the punishment. A cheating partner explains why they cheated as the other explains what was damaged by the cheating. From “the explanations” the temperature rises. When this happens effective communication begins a spiral much like an autumn leaf from a tree top- interrupted by branches but the tumble to the ground is inevitable.

How can we effectively communicate at such a critical point in time?
We will answer that question in the next blog, “Communication Part II.” We'll stop here today.

Thanks for reading.