A group of women were having a discussion two days ago -and as women have a tendency to do when gathered together- the subject of family was initiated. One woman stated,"I hate my family." Another, almost without pause added, "I live with my Aunt and she makes me sick."
Comments such as these give credence to the idea that lineage is not an obligation or a responsibility. Of course such an idea is unfounded given that we live in one world which connects us as a human family. So what causes one to be sickened by or hate their family.
Consider that when born, we were not consulted about our placement with a particular family. Although in some super sensible teachings, it is thought that we make the choice before birth of the people that will act as our parents,guides, etc. Since this is not a super sensible teaching let's proceed with: we were not consulted and the families we are part of is who we end up with. To hate or be sickened by one's family points to one of three conditions:
1. Unable to express oneself as an individual within the family.
2. Disagreement with certain actions of the family.
3. Family's disagreement of one's actions.
Emotions can run high in families mainly by feelings of disappointment and disrespect. The root causes of disappointments can extend far back into the past. Upsets that are never addressed and resolved lay a pattern for disappointment. Sometimes, an individualist way of being (as an adult) is to do what they think others want them to do (false approval / acceptance). They deny themselves the human right to be who they really are.
When the family shows disappointment in one of its members, the member shows disappointment in self; especially when they hold the family in high regards. At the flip of this coin, when an individual shows disappointment of the family it is because of a track record of demonstrated inability or exhibited lack of interest to the individual expectations. Believe it or not.
Emotional ills in the family can be corrected but it begins with you. It begins with your love for yourself. By defining (in total honesty) who you are at this point in time then accepting yourself as a responsible adult competent enough to recognize your needs. Follow this by forgiving and forgetting what you perceived as disappointments. Restore the love with family members be they near or far away by extending your heart to say I love you. In perpetual love you cannot demand that others change who they are, but you can be a model for them to initiate change within themselves. This works both with your immediate family and your one world family.
Let's Restore Love
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Stay Connected
In any relationship there are bound to be disconnects in communication. A disconnect occurs when mutual communication reaches a critical level through misunderstanding, ignoring or even disrespecting the other person's dialogue. Many seem to recognize when communication breaks down and few recognizes when it disconnects. You may be saying to yourself, "how can she make such a general statement?" Simple, take a look around you at the discord you see in various relationships. Regardless of the relationship category- be it personal/business/family- there will be disconnects every once in a while.
Keep in thought that when you are involved in a relationship, much work is required. There is no such thing as living happily ever after without the preparation and development to get there; and no matter the distance, every journey begins with one step. Allow yourself the freedom to be fully involved in all your relationships by being honest with yourself. Know what you need/want and even wish to have within your relationship. By knowing this then you are prepared to partner with another (regardless of the relationship category).
You cannot get there dragging a bucket full of lies around with you nor should you want to assist in carting similar buckets for another. Through dialogue you are able to exchange meaning.
Do not attempt to manipulate the dialogue, it causes others to mentally criticize you which makes it more difficult to engage in an honest free flowing dialogue; too it can cause the other to passively shut down which could lead them to decisions against their own will.
In love one should always look for and cultivate mutual purpose and mutual respect. When we love our hearts are made anew and happily ever after is around the corner in our life's travels.
Let's Restore Love
Keep in thought that when you are involved in a relationship, much work is required. There is no such thing as living happily ever after without the preparation and development to get there; and no matter the distance, every journey begins with one step. Allow yourself the freedom to be fully involved in all your relationships by being honest with yourself. Know what you need/want and even wish to have within your relationship. By knowing this then you are prepared to partner with another (regardless of the relationship category).
You cannot get there dragging a bucket full of lies around with you nor should you want to assist in carting similar buckets for another. Through dialogue you are able to exchange meaning.
Do not attempt to manipulate the dialogue, it causes others to mentally criticize you which makes it more difficult to engage in an honest free flowing dialogue; too it can cause the other to passively shut down which could lead them to decisions against their own will.
In love one should always look for and cultivate mutual purpose and mutual respect. When we love our hearts are made anew and happily ever after is around the corner in our life's travels.
Let's Restore Love
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Change
Recently in Nashville, TN- in the latter part of summer- day time temperatures reached no less than 80 degrees. A man was seen walking the streets wearing a winter coat. As he passed by others, all eyes seemed directed to him. Many of us believe that temperatures control how we dress, but for reasons of his own this character chose to go against such a belief. Perpetual love too goes against the norm.
More then not you have heard many people make the statement, "...we have been through so much together..." when talking about their intimate relationships. Perhaps you have heard parents say in reference to their rebellious child, "..."I'm so sick of going over the same nonsense..." Maybe once in every blue moon have you heard a person say: "I'm going to change myself, (my life)by changing my point of view."
Quite honestly, the only requirement to changing how we love is to change our point of view. To love perpetually is a decision that you make to love yourself and others without attaching conditions, i.e., you are not governed by nor do you govern others by emotional or physical manipulation.
When you experience perpetual love it communicates to others honesty of heart, clarity of mind,
definition of intent. It is free of emotional games that humans play so well with one another.
When we switch our views to loving in this manner, it becomes the operant conducting our daily lives. As an operant it opens the door to events that shape our lives for the better because it illuminates the true love we have to share.
Do not delude yourself in thinking to change one's point of view is an easy concept. The simplicity of it causes it to sound very easy to accomplish, but in love the more we comprehend, the more there is to comprehend. Casting away much of how, what, who, why we believe as we do is the difficult portion. Just REMEMBER, no matter how much there is to do, it can be accomplished if we start and stay with it.
We can resolve many ills in learning how to love in this manner. Changing who we are and how we love is much like the man walking in the summer with the winter coat: Observers cannot explain it but they see it.
Let's Restore Love.
More then not you have heard many people make the statement, "...we have been through so much together..." when talking about their intimate relationships. Perhaps you have heard parents say in reference to their rebellious child, "..."I'm so sick of going over the same nonsense..." Maybe once in every blue moon have you heard a person say: "I'm going to change myself, (my life)by changing my point of view."
Quite honestly, the only requirement to changing how we love is to change our point of view. To love perpetually is a decision that you make to love yourself and others without attaching conditions, i.e., you are not governed by nor do you govern others by emotional or physical manipulation.
When you experience perpetual love it communicates to others honesty of heart, clarity of mind,
definition of intent. It is free of emotional games that humans play so well with one another.
When we switch our views to loving in this manner, it becomes the operant conducting our daily lives. As an operant it opens the door to events that shape our lives for the better because it illuminates the true love we have to share.
Do not delude yourself in thinking to change one's point of view is an easy concept. The simplicity of it causes it to sound very easy to accomplish, but in love the more we comprehend, the more there is to comprehend. Casting away much of how, what, who, why we believe as we do is the difficult portion. Just REMEMBER, no matter how much there is to do, it can be accomplished if we start and stay with it.
We can resolve many ills in learning how to love in this manner. Changing who we are and how we love is much like the man walking in the summer with the winter coat: Observers cannot explain it but they see it.
Let's Restore Love.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Is It Love?
A young man, let's call him G was in a dilemma and asked for advise in that he felt he was losing his girlfriend and really wanted to keep her. "she's nice people", he said, " but she and I might be breaking up." When asked the reason why, he painted the following scenario:
He met his girl some months ago and she, "rocked his world". They had good times, they look great together, they get along very well, the sex is wonderful and they have plans to marry. He asked her to meet his family and everyone was expecting her, however, on the same weekend she preferred spending time with her buddies from the army (she is in the military). She had re-enlisted along with others she knew. For re-enlisting they each received checks for $10,000 dollars. They planned to meet in Colorado and party together.
She promised him she would return by weekend. After getting to Colorado, she began to entertain the idea of breaking up with him. She had had sexual encounters with one of the girls that was now in Colorado with her and although she loved him, she also had feelings for the other woman. He stated, "I don't want to lose her" and he was sending her a text message to let her know his family will be disappointed if she doesn't show for the weekend. She responded she just wasn't sure about their relationship.
He was so upset with her but he added, "I'm not upset that she is seeing another woman because I do not feel threatened by another woman. Maybe I would be a little upset if it were a man but not a woman." He did not feel betrayed because she told him the truth. He asks what must I do in this situation? __
Friend, should I go or should I stay is the correct question here. Let's look at it through some other questions. If you married her, is it okay for your wife to be sexually involved with another woman? Are you content to be in a relationship where your partner is shared sexually? Would your family be concerned about you in such a relationship? Do you know that she wants you and only you? You are not intimidated by the idea of another woman with your girl so does that mean you accept the possibility of never having an exclusive relationship with the woman you love? Could she be happy loving only you? Can she overcome her desire to have other women? And if not, where does that leave you? Will the woman she is seeing be the beginning of others to come? Is she in love but not with you?
He needs a hint to answer one of the questions here. The answers to all the questions he has already seen within himself. So here is his hint: If you were okay with the idea of your girl seeing another woman then tell us why are you asking what you must do?
Restore Love,
J
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Object of Affection
Long ago a favorite expression to define a difficult search was to describe it as "looking for a needle in a haystack." Envision the process of doing just that. What would be your first action? Perhaps if you knew where the needle entered that may be a good start. Some may even imagine using a metal detector or even a blower to level the stack. No matter the method, the process of finding the needle could prove a very time consuming act. The time it would take to make the discovery could only be afforded by a few tenacious people who are also extremely patient.
Some people think love is as difficult to find as that needle. Love is easy to find and even easier to bestow. The difficulty rests in what is viewed as the object of affection. Previously on this blog it was stated that before you can shower anyone else with love, you must first love yourself. Said before and now again, to love self does not render you as selfish or self absorbed. To love oneself denotes that you find confidence in your being, you are secure in the thought that you have the power to execute changes in your life if changes are needed and you elect to do it.
ometimes a person assess their state of being and find that areas of their lives need to be re-engineered. So what do they do? Many leave the assessment while hoping and wishing for change to come. Many others take the first step on a journey of change and cause the change that's needed because they know with every action there is a reaction. You are the first object of your affection and this love too requires your attention and care.
To be content with who you are, knowing that you are capable of adjusting yourself if need be equips you for interaction with others. Discontented relationships are the way they are because discontented people are involved. Such relationships harbor many ills. To name a few you will find frequent disconnects in communication, anger, deception, feelings of inferiority. Remember, one's behavior is a mirror of one's thinking. Keep focused on respecting and loving self and you will begin to see respect and love of/from others. Why? Because the object of affection is like bright lights to a moth - the glow attracts.
Many would never give a second thought to searching for a needle in a haystack. If one were to consider doing it the first action would be the decision to carry out such a search. It can be done, may not be so easy, but it can be done. It all starts with you.
Restore Love.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Communication
An email from a reader states he placed a profile on a dating site searching for someone special. He asked to meet an intelligent woman who could be trusted and someone that he could spend some time with in hopes of it becoming long term. He received a reply to his profile from a woman who stated she is an intelligent woman and in search of an intelligent man who knows what he wants and is not afraid to express his feelings.
Ten months into the developing relationship the woman's personality took a 180 degree change from what he knew it to be. They met, began spending time together and exchanged plans they would carry out as they agreed to continue the relationship. He says they were pleased with each other initially. Suddenly without warning he could no longer understand her behavior. She complained that he was not greeting her in a manner that pleased her. She complained that he was making her cautious about him and each time they spoke she never failed to mention that she would abandon him. When he asked why was he making her cautious, she would tell him because I see you from a dbroad scope and you cannot see yourself or she would not answer the question. She told him at one point that if he could not keep up with her point of view that she would find someone who could.
He said the reason she gave for all these "requirements" is that she wanted the relationship to be better than other couples. She wanted everyone to see that they were happy when they appear in public. She began to ridicule him. She criticized him for not agreeing with her. If he disagreed with her she would get angry and result to insults of his character and the caliber of person he is.
He says she would yell, hang up the phone, close out their chat window or tell him suddenly she had something important to do.
After many such examples of her demands, he says he stopped for a moment to think it through.
It seemed she wanted to have the appearance of being in a loving relationship for public approval regardless of how miserable they were behind closed doors. He wrote, "she did not care that I wanted to offer her perpetual love and to bring her into my life as my partner where she could fulfill her fantasy. What she cared about was how other people would view our relationship." He states, " she abandoned me but I already knew she would because she threatened to do so in every conversation we had." He closed with he was glad that he had hidden the fact of his wealth or she may have revealed another personality to be with him because of the money.
--------
The response here is so simple and I use an adage to summarize:
"...CANNOT SEE THE FOREST FOR THE TREES."
Also, to this reader, when meeting other people there is no certainty of true character (so few people reveal true characters initially). Communication is perhaps the best way to explore the vast geography of another persons mental makeup thus helping you to identify who they are and why they do what they do. In this scenario, it may have been a good action for her to go away. Being abandoned may not feel good to you now but from what you describe you may have gotten the better end of this chaos. You may have wanted to make her the object of love but what did she have in mind for you?
Restore Love
Ten months into the developing relationship the woman's personality took a 180 degree change from what he knew it to be. They met, began spending time together and exchanged plans they would carry out as they agreed to continue the relationship. He says they were pleased with each other initially. Suddenly without warning he could no longer understand her behavior. She complained that he was not greeting her in a manner that pleased her. She complained that he was making her cautious about him and each time they spoke she never failed to mention that she would abandon him. When he asked why was he making her cautious, she would tell him because I see you from a dbroad scope and you cannot see yourself or she would not answer the question. She told him at one point that if he could not keep up with her point of view that she would find someone who could.
He said the reason she gave for all these "requirements" is that she wanted the relationship to be better than other couples. She wanted everyone to see that they were happy when they appear in public. She began to ridicule him. She criticized him for not agreeing with her. If he disagreed with her she would get angry and result to insults of his character and the caliber of person he is.
He says she would yell, hang up the phone, close out their chat window or tell him suddenly she had something important to do.
After many such examples of her demands, he says he stopped for a moment to think it through.
It seemed she wanted to have the appearance of being in a loving relationship for public approval regardless of how miserable they were behind closed doors. He wrote, "she did not care that I wanted to offer her perpetual love and to bring her into my life as my partner where she could fulfill her fantasy. What she cared about was how other people would view our relationship." He states, " she abandoned me but I already knew she would because she threatened to do so in every conversation we had." He closed with he was glad that he had hidden the fact of his wealth or she may have revealed another personality to be with him because of the money.
--------
The response here is so simple and I use an adage to summarize:
"...CANNOT SEE THE FOREST FOR THE TREES."
Also, to this reader, when meeting other people there is no certainty of true character (so few people reveal true characters initially). Communication is perhaps the best way to explore the vast geography of another persons mental makeup thus helping you to identify who they are and why they do what they do. In this scenario, it may have been a good action for her to go away. Being abandoned may not feel good to you now but from what you describe you may have gotten the better end of this chaos. You may have wanted to make her the object of love but what did she have in mind for you?
Restore Love
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Goodbye to A Married Man
A reader emailed to tell of ending her relationship with a married man; actually he left her. She said she loved him and he just walked away from her. She reasoned with herself that she did not want him to leave his wife nor did she want to ruin his status in the community. She went on to say that she was feeling such pain after the breakup. She stated that in her thoughts she hears that she should end everything and at the same time she hears that she should hang on. She referred to them as voices.
The email was extremely sad. To know that someone rejects the love within themselves because they have been rejected by another is always a sad state. The negativeness that is created when one feels rejected can sometimes cloud the thinking. But to this young reader and others in similar circumstances Rise Up. In order to love anyone at all there must first be love for yourself. Who are You? What is your worth? think of the love within you. It is more precious than all the gold and valuables in this world.
In spending time with the married man, you were honest in your commitment to him, perhaps your intentions were to show him how much you loved him by "excusing or dismissing" the marriage, his family and his "community status" in order to spend a little time with him. And trust that a little time is all you will ever spend in situations such as this. He may say he loves you. He may give you a gift or two, he may provide a place for you to live and transportation, take you shopping, he may take you out to dinner and even feed you from his fork. But the bottom line is he can never offer you what you really desire. That is to be by his side, to walk proudly as the man who loves you and the one you love.
There will always be excuses, reasons why he must stay with his wife, there will always be sneaking about as a rat that scurries in the night pinching crumbs; hiding for fear of being caught. Some men have been known to go as far as meetings in far away places to safeguard not being discovered by wife or relatives or someone from the community.
To put the perverbial icing on this cake, this man will cause you to hate the wife for the way she treats him. He will cause you to feel how you are the woman he wished he had wait to marry. You- being faithful - explain to your friends and relatives, how he really does not love his wife, or how the wife mistreats him, or how he and the wife maintain a presence for the child/children.
Then comes the trickey portion when he has to escape from you because remember your love is genuine and commited. You are in love with him so he must escape this before he gets in too deep.
In this getaway, all the compassion he may have expressed is no longer there. All the little nothings he whispered in your ears are probably screams or a stern voice unfamiliar to you now.
He finds fault with all you do and no matter how stressed you may become about it, he isn't the least bit concerned about your "feelings". His heart becomes rigid and cold. His actions toward you filled with contempt, where he may have smiled upon seeing you he now shows a grimace. He may say something such as " I do love you but..." or "I want you to be happy" or "its best for us both that I go". Sometimes, given the character, he could even blame you or your lack of "something" to please him for breaking the two of you apart.
Truth be told, what abuse by you to yourself and by him to you. First of all this type of relationship is based on lies. Secondly, it is primarily a relationship where the man in this case and (this includes the married women) are impelled to further their "happiness" through genital eroticism. This affords him his greatest gratification. The underlying idea here is sex is love.
Again, if you find yourself in such a relationship Rise up. You owe it to yourself to discover the goodness within you. You owe it to yourself to love without irrational behavior that lends itself when you are programmed by that bleeding heart that tells you, "I Love You...".
If a man cannot totally commit to his wife and family then he is a liar and thief. He lies to you and robs you of time, your values and your love.
Today, stand before your mirror, look yourself in the eyes and say I Love You.
Say to yourself, I will discover within my life genuine love and not crumbs thrown to me by someone rotely telling me they love me.
Say, I seek genuine love of another person rooted in my own capacity to love.
repeat each day as you smile , appreciating the face you see there. Someday soon you
will be very surprised at what you discover.
Restore Love,
MJ
The email was extremely sad. To know that someone rejects the love within themselves because they have been rejected by another is always a sad state. The negativeness that is created when one feels rejected can sometimes cloud the thinking. But to this young reader and others in similar circumstances Rise Up. In order to love anyone at all there must first be love for yourself. Who are You? What is your worth? think of the love within you. It is more precious than all the gold and valuables in this world.
In spending time with the married man, you were honest in your commitment to him, perhaps your intentions were to show him how much you loved him by "excusing or dismissing" the marriage, his family and his "community status" in order to spend a little time with him. And trust that a little time is all you will ever spend in situations such as this. He may say he loves you. He may give you a gift or two, he may provide a place for you to live and transportation, take you shopping, he may take you out to dinner and even feed you from his fork. But the bottom line is he can never offer you what you really desire. That is to be by his side, to walk proudly as the man who loves you and the one you love.
There will always be excuses, reasons why he must stay with his wife, there will always be sneaking about as a rat that scurries in the night pinching crumbs; hiding for fear of being caught. Some men have been known to go as far as meetings in far away places to safeguard not being discovered by wife or relatives or someone from the community.
To put the perverbial icing on this cake, this man will cause you to hate the wife for the way she treats him. He will cause you to feel how you are the woman he wished he had wait to marry. You- being faithful - explain to your friends and relatives, how he really does not love his wife, or how the wife mistreats him, or how he and the wife maintain a presence for the child/children.
Then comes the trickey portion when he has to escape from you because remember your love is genuine and commited. You are in love with him so he must escape this before he gets in too deep.
In this getaway, all the compassion he may have expressed is no longer there. All the little nothings he whispered in your ears are probably screams or a stern voice unfamiliar to you now.
He finds fault with all you do and no matter how stressed you may become about it, he isn't the least bit concerned about your "feelings". His heart becomes rigid and cold. His actions toward you filled with contempt, where he may have smiled upon seeing you he now shows a grimace. He may say something such as " I do love you but..." or "I want you to be happy" or "its best for us both that I go". Sometimes, given the character, he could even blame you or your lack of "something" to please him for breaking the two of you apart.
Truth be told, what abuse by you to yourself and by him to you. First of all this type of relationship is based on lies. Secondly, it is primarily a relationship where the man in this case and (this includes the married women) are impelled to further their "happiness" through genital eroticism. This affords him his greatest gratification. The underlying idea here is sex is love.
Again, if you find yourself in such a relationship Rise up. You owe it to yourself to discover the goodness within you. You owe it to yourself to love without irrational behavior that lends itself when you are programmed by that bleeding heart that tells you, "I Love You...".
If a man cannot totally commit to his wife and family then he is a liar and thief. He lies to you and robs you of time, your values and your love.
Today, stand before your mirror, look yourself in the eyes and say I Love You.
Say to yourself, I will discover within my life genuine love and not crumbs thrown to me by someone rotely telling me they love me.
Say, I seek genuine love of another person rooted in my own capacity to love.
repeat each day as you smile , appreciating the face you see there. Someday soon you
will be very surprised at what you discover.
Restore Love,
MJ
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